Sick Little Games
by dorkynerdy
Summary: Take a closer look at Natsu perspective of life and romance.
1. Chapter 1

So this is my new story! I was kinda having a hard time at writing it... I'm so busy with the exams week coming up! So just let me know if you even like it...

Thank you all for the reviews for Coexist and thanks for all the follow and fave! Love you xx

I don't know if I should rate this T or M... I mean I only mention sex and some cursing, but I didn't actually write some sex scene, because I just don't know how to do it... but I promise you if there's any sex scene on the future (If you want me to continue this story!) I'll change it into M

* * *

I watch as Lucy put on her shoes. "Wait, where are you going?" I asked at her after putting on my top.

"Since we always have sex in my apartment, I ran out of milk" she hissed while glaring at me. I grinned toothily at her as she only growled quietly at me. "Don't burn my apartment down!" She yelled before leaving.

And I abruptly stop her. "Wait," she turns to face me with her annoyed look. "At least put something on! Like a jacket or something! I don't need the whole neighborhood checking out on my girlfriend!" I fixed my eyes on her who only wears some loose burnout tank top and short.

"I'm not your fucking girlfriend!" She yelled angrily at me as she slammed the door shut.

"Okay, okay! We're not in a relationship!" I threw my arms in the air even though she couldn't see me anymore.

That's right, we're not in a relationship, so why do I have to be defensive about her? Thanks to her, I am now saddled with unsettle feelings. It started out three months ago. Lisanna dumped me and so is with Lucy, she's being dumped too by Loki. We met through Erza and we rightly hit it off. We drank beer that night, a lot of it, and so there's some crazy feelings build up inside me that makes me want to do things to her so badly. Like, you can't even imagine the immensity of things I want to do to her. We're not drunk, we're just simply screwed up. I remember exactly what Lucy told me that night, the beginning of conversation that led up to this situation I am in now. She told me that she loves having sex, but can't do it anymore due to her being single, and so I ask her, "Why not do it now?" she only scoffed and laugh at me. "Relationship sucks, Natsu!" I remembered the way she looks mockingly at me that night. "You can't have the perfect relationship like the movie had! It's just freaking impossible. You're in a relationship, you have sex, then you fucked up, then in the end you only got your feelings ruined" she laughed cynically. "Then, why don't you do it without feelings? You know, why don't we do it now?" I suggested at her, not knowing where it was coming or going to lead where. "You want to have sex with me?" she asked at me, disbelief, "no feelings?" she raised her eyebrow, like somehow showing some keen interest to it. "Yeah. Definitely 0% feelings" I assured her. "Do you find me attractive?" I was hesitant at first, but then I answer, "Yeah, I do" and so just like that she starts kissing me passionately and out of nowhere, I am so turned on by her. Her breast pressing against my chest, and I just love the way she kissed me. I remembered how she protested about her breast before we have sex, she complained that it was too big, but then _it still breasts_, and I have no whatsoever problem with it. And starting from that night, February 17, we start having sex, constantly.

Fast forward to now. We use each other just for sex, we even laugh cynically at our stupid selves for doing some ridiculous thing such as having sex constantly, but luckily both Lucy and I loved sex and actually craving it. But then there is some creepy feelings crept up inside me, and I hate that. I have this ridiculously tingly feelings inside me that I can't seem to take control of.

Lucy changed to her skirt and top casually in front of me as soon as she got back from buying milk. "You're going to work? We don't even have a breakfast yet!" I whined at her.

"You know how Erza is, I might lose my job if I keep showing up late" she slouched into her comfy chair only to put on her heels.

"Why do you need a job when you already have a fulfilling career as a whore?" I smirked at her but she only looked up at me with her brows furrowed together and it makes her look kinda mean. I thought she get it that I was joking…

"I am not a whore just because I keep having sex with you, we are just friends who use each other for sex"

"Okay. No breakfast but I need you to come with me for dinner, okay?"

"Why dinner all so suddenly?"

I shrugged. "Just come would you?"

"Okay!" she sighed in exasperation as she stood up. "Just because we're friends okay? And friends help each other out"

"That's more like it," I grinned at her.

"Are you coming with me or not?" she glared at me as I looked up to see her ready to go to work.

"Oh yeah, one second" I said as I quickly rushing back to her bedroom and put on my full clothes.

* * *

My dad asked me to meet him tonight for dinner. Since the last time I met him, he's planning to get a divorce, I bet he'll show with another girl for tonight. Of course, some part of me really want to bring Lucy, I just don't know the exact reason behind it. My dad will always be the kind of person he is, dad. He's annoyingly charming, he loves girl, he's like a billionaire playboy. My mom died and he turned into a weapon of mass seduction. I resent him at first about how could he easily move on from mom, but I just realized that people aren't meant to be together forever, and then I just can't change the fact that he's my dad, and of course since it's been a long time I've seen him, I agree to meet him for dinner tonight.

"You still having sex with Lucy?" Gray smacked me in the head.

"Why? You jealous?" I spat at my childhood best friend.

"What? Of course no! I would have been jealous, but I'm in a serious committed relationship now!" he brag proudly as he show off his ring finger with a ring on it. Show off asshole.

"She's obsessed with you," I said referring to his obsessed fiancée, Juvia.

"She's not"

"She is." I pressed.

"Okay whatever. Anyway, you still use each other for sex?"

"Yeah. I know that I told you that we only use each other until we find someone new, but when we found someone new, we just don't feel like it and ended up having sex again, anyway. She's amazingly good at it, how can I resist her?"

"Well whatever, just enjoy it while you can, the sex is not going to hold too long," he took a sip of his coffee. "You've been doing this for what, like three months?"

I nodded. "Three months and counting. And we still have some great relationship as friend, because we're just too good at maintaining it" I grinned at him.

"Using friends just for sex is not going to work out, Natsu, I thought you know that"

"It work out just fine with me and Lucy" I argued.

"Well, does she have a penis?"

"No!" my face turned into disgust in a matter of second.

"Then she just like every woman out there. They have feelings and they're going to act weird and stuff"

"But she told me herself that it's awesome how we both just using each other for sex and doesn't include any feelings at all!"

"Have I ever told you that lying is the most fun things girls can do without taking off their clothes?" I should've known that there's only sarcasm that coming out from his mouth.

"Never mind. There are some bigger problems I had beside Lucy now," I sighed as I run down my hand through my messy bangs.

"What? Your dad?" I nodded. "He asked you to meet him?" yet I can only nodded again. "And you planning on bringing Lucy with you… don't you? I bet you even already asked her without her knowing it" he asked, grinning widely at me like he just solved the biggest mystery case ever.

"Stop that! Stop acting like you're reading my mind! It's creeping me out!" I kicked him. "I seriously don't know what to do okay?! I thought bringing Lucy with me will make at least things a little better between me and my dad. I think it's going to prevent awkward moments"

"Do I get bonus point if I act like I care?" he snorted as I pull down his pants in the middle of my office. "WHAT THE FUCK NATSU!" He yelled as I laughed my ass of at him.

"That's for being annoying as hell, you fuckers!" I laughed, pointing my index finger at him.

"Natsu," he breathed trying to keep calm with both of his palms showing in front of me, like a 'stop' sign. Well, a sign to told me to stop from laughing hysterically, I guess. "My pants fell, and I couldn't get them up"

"That's the same problem your mom had when she's with me" I smirk devilishly at him.

I can see a vein popped out from his forehead. "My mom dead you asshole!" I laugh even more seeing how hard he struggle to walk towards me with his pants still stuck in his ankles, wanting to punch me so bad. "Is there someone out there who is any good at illustration? I need a new boss!" his voice of yelling echoed throughout the office, I bet that's already showed how piss he is towards me. Oh well.

* * *

"You're late" I commented at Lucy who just arrived with her hands shoved down to her jeans distressed jacket pockets. We both stood at the sidewalk in front of her office for seemed like hours.

"Just be fucking glad that I even want to come and agree to your dinner" She spat.

WHAATTTT? WHY OUT OF NOWHERE SHE FUCKING SEEMS TO BE ANGRY AT ME?

"Uh, do you need a happy meal?" I asked at her.

"What? God, no!" she frowned.

"You look really sad and unhappy, I think you really need one"

"Just because it called happy meal, it doesn't magically make the people who eats them… happy" she said slowly. "God! I never thought you're that stupid!" she nudged me in the arms, hard, but I guess she loosened up a bit.

We walk heading to the restaurant as I admired her face. Her cheeks red from the cold as every time she breathed there's a white smoke coming out from her mouth, like a heavy smoker, and I found that very sexy and seducing. "So, what happened?"

"Nothing," she mumbled.

"What a terrible liar" I noted.

"Oh, shut up!" she hit my right arm. My arms could be ruin any moment just because she keeps hitting me in the arm. "I just got stressed out from work" her words sounds heavy and she quiver when she's saying it.

"Why are you still lying?"

"Okay" she sighed. "I'm just… unhappy" she trailed off. "Things kinda hard lately, I mean thank god you still want to have sex with me, it lessened up the problems somehow" and I feel bad rightly for lying to her.

"Lucy… I didn't told you this before… but we're meeting my dad" I mumbled. Telling her the truth suddenly.

"YOU FUCK" then we attract some crowd by the sidewalk just because Lucy's ridiculously high pitched voice. "I'm not going to meet your dad! As in ever! Especially not with this!" she calmed her voice down and her eyes gestured towards her clothes. Distressed jeans jacket that I found very sexy in her, her black croc-effect leather layered and asymmetric skirt, and her pale blue tank top that makes her breast just look even bigger. She definitely looks sexy! Very alluring.

"What? Why? You look great!" I hissed at her. "You looked perfect okay? Just please, I really need to see my dad, and I thought you agree to go out dinner with me"

"Yeah! Before I find out that your dad is going to be there too, are you insane?" she spat.

"Oh come on, Luce. Just one night okay? Beside we never done anything beside sex, so I guess a little dinner wouldn't hurt right?" except of course, having dinner with my dad keeps haunting me. "It makes me happy to see my dad and how you would like to come along, so would you do this for me?" I put on my pouting face but still keeping the smolder look, hoping secretly that she will eventually agree.

"I'm not in the mood, I'm not even happy" she hissed.

"Well, I'm sorry that you're unhappy so you have to destroy someone else's happiness!" I sighed in aggravation. "Come on, Luce, I thought we were friends!"

"I hate your face, I wanna smash it" she showed me one of her many death glares.

Oh, so you up for an argument Lucy? "Oh please, I'm attractive. I'm a hot looking, smooth talking son of a bitch!"

"I still hate you" she crossed her arms over her jacket. Geez talking to her was like talking to a debate team. "Why me anyway? Out of all the people you could asked to come with, why me?"

I bet this wasn't the answer she expected from me. "Because I feel very comfortable around you. It's surprising because I generally don't feel comfortable around, well, anyone" I grinned at her as I can see a smile crept up to her face.

"Stop making me smile! I'm pissed at you" she averted her gaze from mine and pouted. I never realized it before how cute she can be.

"No you don't"

"OKAY!" she yelled again with her hands flying around in the air. "You win this time, but you have to give the best sex ever after this" she turn back to face me again, "and of course I expected free food"

"Even the way you talk, turned me on"

"Oh please. I think almost anyone can turn you on, you're basically a lamp" she brushed away the invisible dust in her jacket. "How do I look?"

"Great"

"How do I smell?"

"You smell nice, I like you"

"Well, you smell like a baby prostitutes"

"That's mean"

"Wimp," she commented, sarcasm clearly showing in her tone. "Come on, I'm hungry and I'm freezing to death"

* * *

When I entered the restaurant with Lucy, I quickly spotted Dad slouching lazily at the rounded sofa at the corner of the restaurant. Dad put his arm over a girl shoulder. Figured, he already meet someone new, while I'm just here, can't get past Lisanna and currently stuck in this crazy sex thing that I really loved with Lucy. How do dad even get into a relationship so easily? Does he just create people in his basement, or what? "Meet, Anastasia"

I ignored while I just scooted over the rounded sofa to get more closer to dad. "Seriously, how old is she?" I whispered but I think it's loud enough even for Anastasia to hear. But seriously dad? Anastasia look like in the same age with me! She's pretty, I admit, I love her long brown wavy hair and freckles, but…

"How old are you?" he whispered back.

"Uh, 23" he even forget his own son age? I really should give him the award for being the best dad of the year.

"I think she's in the same age with you" figured. "Or probably, younger"

"WHAT!?" Dad only shrugged as he now fixing his eyes on Lucy. If he ever make a move on Lucy… I just want dad to know that I watched a lot of CSI and I can seriously kill him and make it like an accident. I swear.

"You must be Natsu's girlfriend," he paused. "You're beautiful, I wonder why you even bother to spend your time with my son" he laughed mockingly at me.

"Um, we're not in a relationship, we just use each other for sex" What Lucy? Do you really hate it that much when people consider and actually think that we're in a relationship? Why do you hate relationship so much anyway? Both my dad and Anastasia eyes widen, but soon they both smirking.

"Oh, Igneel and I hev sex all thee time thoo" Anastasia responded with a slight Russian accent showing. IS SHE FUCKING RUSSIAN? GOD DAD! WHERE DID YOU FIND HER? She giggled casually. What the fuck is wrong with this table over here? How come I surrounded by people who talk nothing but sex?

"Yeah, we're more like sex friends" Lucy said nodding her head off.

"Fuck buddies" I added. Joining inside the conversation since it seems everyone kinda ignored the hell out of me.

The rest of the night went…quite well. We did have sex, it's amazing just like I thought it would be. But after all the incredibly tense hot sex, I lay down staring at Lucy's ceiling with her asleep peacefully next to me. Why we didn't cuddle? Why aren't we even hugging each other?

My feelings and stupid self fucking ruined everything.

I just can't help it the way dad and Anastasia looked happy together. I bet they went on so many dates, even Anastasia is proud when she make out with my dad in the middle of the museum. It's kinda gross I know, considering it was my dad, but still, although he's like 40 years old, he already make more progress than me. Lucy and I never do anything beside sex, not even breakfast, all she did every morning just fucking pour me some milk to drink. Well, lunch of course, sometimes, very rarely, and drinking beer in her very comfy couch that will result to having another sex. Even though we already told each other that we just need a break at some night, we both just can't help it. She's so fucking sensual in every way.

Why can't both Lucy and I act like a normal people? I don't know, go on dates maybe?

Oh God… why I act like a girl? Why do I even need to go on a date with her? Shouldn't I feel grateful that I can fuck Lucy just because I can? But I like the idea of getting to kiss her so softly and subtle just because I can. Because having sex with her doesn't requires many soft kisses, just some hot, wet and passionate kiss. I love it, I must admit, but of course sometimes I just want to give her soft kisses and cuddle the fuck out of her.

Oh

My

God

It hit me all so suddenly

Gray was right…

Feelings start to crept up and will eventually ruined this whole only-sex-no-feelings-relationship…

Maybe I should ask her about going on dates… or maybe not, because she will probably just ignore it.

But wouldn't dates just make everything seems to be worse? I don't know, maybe letting the feelings showed up even more?

But what harm can it bring just from a single date?

But then, all I have to do is just try right? Maybe she somehow will agree to it.

Who knows?

Yeah, I really should ask her about going on dates for tomorrow.

Now… Can I like hug her when I'm asleep? Because it's seems a very nice thing to do at the moment, like I just want to wrapped my arms around her and pull her close and feeling the warmth from her bare naked hot skin.

Oh, the hell with this shit,

Lucy is sleeping, of course I can hug her even if I'm not allowed too.

It's not like she's going to realize it, she even snore lightly.

Who cares? I just want to feel the heat from her skin.

Sue me.


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you for the reviews! Sorry for the short chapter hehe I'm on my exam week but my mind can't stop thinking about this story so yeah... and yes it is a patd song title xD!

* * *

"Let's go on a date!" I exclaimed happily.

She sneered at me. "Not interested"

"Okay" I sighed. "But why?" I whined.

"We're just friends, Natsu, friends don't do dates" what? How could you say that we're just friends so easily and casually in front me? It never felt right calling this 'just friends' Luce. Come to think of it why she always talk so negative towards me? Like somehow her words is like a nightmare that cut me like a blade.

"But, it's just one date!"

"Give me one particular reason why should I go on date with you?" she shot me her challenging look.

"Because…" I trailed off. My throat dry and not a single word come out from my mouth. It feels like I'm choking up.

She showed me her devilishly grin. "See? There are no particular reasons, that we should get together on dates"

Then I learned something a little bit about Lucy. I realize, she doesn't believe in love, and even though I'm on high alert that she doesn't believe in love and I probably should stop doing whatever I'm doing at her that has anything to do with being in love, such as dates and dinner and having breakfast together, I am so determine to prove her that she was just a bluff. Because clearly, Erza and Jellal proves that love exist. If it's not because of love, how could someone like Jellal could even stand a week with someone like Erza? Not to mention they're getting married in six months, and I just can't imagine Erza as a wife. You know what they say about wife, wife is an extreme version of girlfriend. "Because we'd look cute together, don't you think?"

"Seriously?" she scoffed. She stared at me for a couple of seconds while I'm sitting comfortably in her bed with nothing on but a boxer. "Was it really necessary for you to sit there nonchalantly with nothing on to cover you're body?"

I smirked. "I thought you liked my body!"

"I mean, how come you allowed to have a body like that? How come even someone that is so attractive like you allowed to exist?" she grunted.

"I don't know man… I'm just perfect"

"You're so attractive stop it!" she laughed while throwing my shirt to me.

"I bet you want to kiss me so bad right now"

"Don't even try to persuade me… it's 3 in the afternoon, we should at least do something productive beside sex!" she sit at the edge of her bed.

"Sex is productive! They burn calories, so think of it like going on to a gym!" I pointed out.

"Don't you have something to do?"

"My life is just basically feeding and cleaning my cat…" I shrugged. She laughed as I pull her closer to give her a kiss. I'd really want to kiss her all the time.

"Natsu," she giggled through the kiss. Come to think of it this is new… we kissed, and giggling at the same time like a happy couple would do. I used to think this kind of things is cheesy and annoying and not really necessary to be doing, because there are another great thing, which is sex… but once in a time, it's not so bad… maybe it's because I had so much sex with Lucy that this new relaxing thing really soothes me up. Our nose brushing slightly as she snuggled up even more.

"So, you want to go on a date with me?" I'm finding myself still stuck in one question.

"No," she laughed lightly.

"Why?"

"Why I said 'No?'" she raised her eyebrow at me as I sneaked my arms around her tiny waist. "I like saying 'No' to people, it makes me like a bitch but sometimes I don't really have the answer"

"You're weird, you know that?"

"Kinda" she grinned.

"So, tell me the real reason!" I demand.

She sighed as she let go of me and took a couple of step back. "After everything that happened, my first boyfriend, my first time, and my first breakup, jumping back into this whole dating thing seemed like the least healthy thing I could do." She breathed.

"Are you saying that you don't ever want to fall in love again?" I stare at the painting behind her that hung on the wall. I don't even know why I averted my gaze from her, I guess I'm just afraid about the truth she's going to say.

"It's not like that, but as a person that is raw from a heartbreak, avoiding feelings is the best thing I can do, since feelings can lead to the worst thing ever" she paused smiling sheepishly at me. "I figured I'd lie low for a while. Of course, as soon as I recovered I will find someone new, because having a new boyfriend is the quickest way to recover from losing the old one." Why can't I be the one, Luce?

"So, why do you have sex with me?" I found myself asking.

"Because we do it without feelings involved!" she laughed hitting me in the chest. But it hurts as in literally, hurt. I didn't respond anything even though I can see that she's waiting for my reply. After a couple of seconds I still didn't say anything and Lucy stood up as she make her way to her kitchen.

Love is awkward and I should know that.

Maybe from the moment I sets my eyes on Lucy, I'm a goner. Lost. Sunk. Head over heels infatuated because of her. And it just very stupid of me that I just realized it now. Because it's problematic, since I already agree to have sex with her without any feeling or whatsoever but now I just feel like I'm stupid. When the first time I met her, we just strike out very quickly into some friendship bond and start swapping life stories, bantering about how fucking unfair life is, and then there's the drinking night, which led into, well now.

"Natsu, do you want any late lunch? I'm freaking hungry" she called out from the kitchen and snapped me back into reality.

"Yeah, sure" I keep my cool even though I must admit, I am pretty surprised by her offer but of course I gladly accept it.

Lucy's cooking was far better than I had imagined it would be. She roasted the mackerel perfectly and I especially love the boiled spicy mushrooms. "Where did you learn to cook like this?" I said, amazed. "It's ridiculously good!"

"You're not lying are you?" she laughed.

I nodded, still munching down my food.

"Ok. Since you always tell me the truth, you weren't expecting that someone like me can actually cook, right?"

"Well, yeah" I gulped down. "Seriously, why didn't you cook me before?!" I protested.

"You never asked," she said with a laugh.

"So tell me, where did you learn to cook like this?" I gulped down a mouthful of clear soup. I know that this is a stupid question to ask, especially on this evening. Because it just make us seem like we're in a relationship, and by asking her more and more of her background will only make me get more attached to her. I remembered what my mom always said, that the way to man's heart is through his stomach. And Lucy here, really did a great job.

"It's a long story" she mumbled.

"I have time"

"Well, my mom is dead, and my dad hate doing housework or stuff, so he never cooked anything, as in ever. And he have this business that he's always eager to do, and so basically everyday was just like, "Let's buy croquette for dinner!" or something like, "I forgot to buy food for dinner, maybe we should just eat the leftover from last night, or go the supermarket" and stuff. I hated that, I even hated it since I was a kid. But," she paused. "But one day, I used half of my money on buying cooking book. I didn't know what to buy at that time, so I picked out randomly and turns out all the recipe and the instructions is easy and good, and since that day, I constantly cook." She smiled.

"You learn to cook like this just by following instructions from books?" I asked, amazed at her.

"It wasn't easy," said Lucy with a sigh. "Growing up with someone who doesn't even give a damn about food"

"Where's your dad?" I ask, wondered.

"Back home"

"You're not from here?"

"Are you?" I shook my head.

"Your dad never visit you?" she shook her head. "Why don't you visit him?"

"I hate Acalypha"

"Why?"

"I think the place is dirty and gross"

"Is Acalypha dirty?"

"Who knows? I think it is" she laughed.

"Are you not going to eat that?" I pointed my index finger at her uneaten food.

She put her chin on her hand and smirks at me. "Telling stories make me lose my appetite, you can eat it"

"You hate your dad?" I moved her plate closer to mine.

"Not really, because I realized that being sad is such a waste of time" she shrugged. "So where'd you come from?"

"Magnolia" I mumbled while munching down my food.

Why the hell all the suddenly we're asking each other random questions about our life. Are we really planning to get to know each other more and more?

"What brings you to Crocus?"

"Gray," I sighed, setting down my plate, finished with her foods. God, hungry plus great food can really make me look like a beast who hasn't been eating for 5 months. "Erza too, well, I don't know, I guess, I just don't want to live with my dad anymore"

"Why?"

"Can't you see? He's obsessed with young girls! And I can't live with that! Even someone who is careless like me still needs at least a little privacy at my own bathroom at home!" I hissed as she laughs.

I stand next to her, helping her with washing dishes. I wiped and piled them up at the counter as she washed. "So, what now? Any ideas for doing something productive?" I grinned.

She sighed and put her wet flat palms against the counter. "I don't feel like going outside, you can leave if you want to"

"You don't want me to accompany you?" she shook her head. "Okay, I'll leave in one hour, okay?" she only nod.

For the next 30 minutes, strange things keep happening to me. Not to mention, Lucy irrational behavior. Even though I asked her what's wrong, she only deny by saying that she's completely fine.

"Seriously, what is wrong with you?"

"Nothing" I watched her lie on the couch, comfortably. "I just have things in my mind"

"About your dad?"

"Not really,"

"Then what?"

"I think love is a lie"

"Please. Erza and Jellal is the definition of love" I scoffed.

She put herself into sitting position hugging close to one of the pillows in the couch she just recently picked. "I have my own definition"

"What's that?"

"Selfishness"

"Um…" I trailed off.

"I want someone who is ridiculously in love with me. The kind of love that when I ask for a chocolate cake, he will rightly ran to the store and bought me one, even if it takes him 100 stores to find the perfect chocolate cake, call me selfish and full of ego, but I don't care" she raised her eyebrows at me.

"For you I would" I admitted.

"No, shit"

"Shit"

"And why the hell is that?"

"Why?" I repeated, secretly catching up of what should I say. "Because I like you okay?"

She handed me her pillow. "Not okay. If you leave now, I pretend you did not just say that and we still can have sex" and so I did. A quarter part of my body really did not want to leave, but the way she talk and from what her face indicating, she really leave me with no choice.

I never thought that I'd be doing something that is so relaxing and intimate beside sex with Lucy. Like, I don't know, throwing questions at each other randomly and secretly enjoying each other company.

I ring up Gray. "I know it's late but I really need you to come down to the bar"

"Why?" he growled from the other side of the phone.

"Because I told Lucy I like her, but she handed me a pillow!"

"You stupid idiot"


	3. Chapter 3

I see Gray walking hurriedly to me with both of his hands shoved down in his jeans pockets. "Is everything all right?" He asked immediately.

"I don't know" I shrugged.

The bar is full of people even though it's one in the morning. There's a girl wearing red dress with plunging neckline singing softly and a guy in a suit playing the piano next to her. Hour seemed past with none of us saying anything, just like the old boring married couple would do. But we still have shots of course, in the right amount that will keep us sober up for the rest of the night. "It sucks to be you man"

"Tell me about it"

"So, what're you going to do after this?"

"At 2 in the morning? Go home and sober up"

"Good" he nodded accordingly. "You should probably stop having sex with her anyway"

"What?! Why?" I whined. "She's good at it!"

"Oh come on. You told her you like her and she gave you a pillow, Natsu!" he yelled. "She gave you a fucking pillow!"

I know Lucy handed me a pillow when I told her I like her, but hearing it from someone else's mouth and especially my best friend, it kinda makes me feel sad. "Okay" I nodded.

"You agree to stop having sex with her? For your own sakes, and me?"

"I'll try" and I think, deceiving Gray to think that I will try to stop having sex with Lucy is enough to stop Gray bugging me, and it work. Gray didn't further mention anything about Lucy or my sex life. "Are you still in a fight?" I asked remembering what he told me a couple of days ago, that he had a major fight with Juvia, like fighting over serious shit.

"Yeah," he nodded. "She even told me she needed space, you know like to be away from me for a while" his eyes fixed on his shots.

"I hate that" I commented. "I hate it when chicks do that, saying they need space and shit. You said you're sorry, what else does she want?" I found myself angry, remembering that Lisanna used to do that too.

"I wish I knew" he shoved his right hand down his pocket and pull out a package of Marlboro.

"I thought you quit smoking" I noted.

He pulls out one cigarette and put it on in his mouth, as he quickly covered it with both hands as he lit it up. "Me quit smoking? When hell freeze yeah," he scoffed. "I just reduced my consumptions. Well, I do not smoke in front of Juvia though, but anyway, it's been a long time since I saw you smoking too, you quit?"

I remembered it one time when Juvia and Gray just started dating a couple of months back. Gray didn't smoke in front of me and I found it weird. So I ask him, why'd you quit? He only shrugged it off. But three weeks later, he come to meet me and tell me that he's already addicted to cigarettes and always feel like his life depends on it, like somehow the cigarettes are controlling him. "Why'd you quit then?" I asked. "Juvia told me to. She said, she concerned about my well-being, given the amount of cigarettes I consumed every day" he murmured. "That's it? Just because of Juvia?" I asked. "Well, I ask her to give me one good reason why I should stop smoking, and she freaking told me that she loves me, and well you know, how it goes, it ended with me can't say a thing against her" he complained. But that's all I know, I didn't know that Gray has been smoking secretly behind Juvia's back for almost nine months, which I think it's kind of a torture. I feel kinda bad for him.

"Sort of" I mumbled. "The first time Lucy and I have sex, she always complained about how I always taste like a tobacco and smell like a cigarette been rub all over my body," I get interrupted by Gray's laughter.

"You didn't smoke just because of a girl?" he mocked. He talked like he didn't live in the same situation as me and it kinda pisses me off, but well, he always pissed me off.

"Well," I shrugged. "It's Lucy we're talking about"

"Oh man, you really are head over heels for this girl aren't you?" I didn't respond anything as I gulped down my fourth shots of the night. "She's not even your girlfriend and she can stop you from smoking when even Lisanna can't do it, even though you've been dating for what, two years? Geez I really want to meet this girl, Natsu" he pressed his lips together, firmly and blow the smoke. God, I really miss smoking.

"Whatever" I hissed as I took a cigarette from his Marlboro and actually lit it up.

"Let's just forget about this whole girl stuff. We just can't change the fact that we're never gonna understand women," Gray says. "They're too complex. There's like so many variables we have to solve and even consider. PMS, bad hair days, random mood swings… there's no way to tell the reason behind their attitude"

"I couldn't agree more. Let's just drop this hideous conversation, and… talk about something else"

"I met your dad" Oh God, Gray I'm not really exactly expecting you will bring up my dad for a subject.

"So?" I tried to keep my cool.

"Don't 'so' me!" he hit me in the head. "He told me about you," he paused. "And he asked me to tell you this, that he's planning to go get married in three weeks," he breathed.

"I don't know how to respond this. I don't even know the good answer to this."

WHAT? DAD IS MARRYING SOMEONE ELSE? THIS WOULD BE THE FOURTH TIME HE DID THIS, DOESN'T HE HAVE AT LEAST THE KIND OF FEELING OF BORED AND SICK TO GET MARRY AGAIN AND AGAIN? WHO THE HELL IS THE SLUT THAT FALLS FOR MY DAD'S CHARM ANYWAY? I BET ITS ANASTASIA! AND THREE WEEKS DAD? SO YOU'VE BEEN HIDING THIS FROM ME? HOW ABOUT THE TIME I MET YOU AT DINNER? AREN'T YOU PLANNING TO TELL ME THOSE UNIMPORTANT INFORMATION? DO YOU THINK I DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW?

My mind is just practically screaming.

"Look, Natsu, I know that…" he trailed off. "Oh what the hell. Just come to the wedding and it will makes him happy anyway, and the next thing we both know, it's all over." I think he just about to give some words that will cheer me up, but for some reason, he stop halfway.

Maybe he stopped halfway, because he knew that my relationship with my dad isn't the best relationship most son and father could have. I feel kinda bad for Gray that somehow I make him like he's obliged for what's going on between and my dad, but hey, I didn't call him a best-friend for nothing.

"I see you around" I just kinda head outside leaving him alone inside.

I walked with nowhere to go in mind, but I just kinda went on with wherever my feet lead to. I ended up near the train station at four in the morning, with depressing music playing around in the train station as I sat down looking at the stars, thinking about the shit, that is life and my dad, and smoking some cigarettes until the numbness takes the pain away. I know that cigarettes doesn't really give me the solution to every problem I had, but at least it assure to give me some moment so escape.

Like, I always knew that alcohol doesn't solve problems, but neither does milk.

Why does dad have to tell me about this through Gray? Does he not want to see me again? Or is he afraid that I will go nuts at him? That's probably it, yeah, I'm pretty sure. But what am I supposed to do anyway when all I had is just a broken family, a broken heart, and cigarettes?

* * *

I can feel myself tangled in a sheet with someone's leg hovering over mine. I open my eyes in reluctant and quickly squint because of the ray of sunshine bugging me off. But most of my sight were covered by bunch of golden silk strands. Lucy? OH GOD! I HAVE SEX WITH LUCY? WAS I DRUNK? Great, I just told Gray that I'll try to stop from having sex with Lucy, and here I am in her bed.

"Morning," she mumbled as she moved on top of me and give me a peck on my lips. What? Since when she does that? Since when she do a light and subtle kiss? I looked over to my side and see her with my t-shirt on from last night and it occurred to me that I am topless. I still have my jeans on though, and I was secretly hoping that we didn't have sex last night, but the both of us waking up in the morning with clothes on is like ten times worse than having sex while I was drunk.

"Do we… uh, I don't know, have sex?" I found myself asking.

"No," she yawned and I watched her stretched her body. "I was too exhausted last night, sorry" she laughed sheepishly. This is actually the very first time I was glad to hear someone telling me that we didn't have sex.

And it hit me about what happened last night. Of course I remember, some of it though, I'm not _that_ drunk. I was nowhere and sitting by myself near the train station and the next thing I know, I ended up in front of her apartment at fucking 5AM in the morning, on my feet and staggering. I must've knock on her door real hard that it wakes her up, but she always a light sleeper anyway, even though my mind is hazy and dizzy from all the shots I drank last night, I can still remember the blurry figure of her opening the door for me, with nothing on but underwear, that's why I gave her my shirt to cover it, because if I keep seeing her with nothing on but underwear for more that 10 seconds, I can just rape the fuck out of her. I don't know what's wrong with but I guess every time she came into contact with me, I always ended up losing control of my body. She is the taste of something sweet, and it seems I just can't get enough of her.

"Have you been smoking?" She asked and suddenly the situation got serious. I shook my head. "What a terrible liar" she elbowed me in the chest.

"Sorry," I mumbled. Wait, why do I even apologizing to her? They say the world is full of freedom so why the hell I'm still saying sorry for doing something I definitely like to do to someone who isn't even my girlfriend?

It feels like I'm really falling in love with this girl.

"You're drunk last night, is there something wrong? Do you want to talk about it?" she put herself in sitting position and pulls her legs against her chest and wraps her arms around her legs.

How can I say that the reason I got drunk was mostly because of her? "Nothing" I lied as I put myself into my sitting position to get more comfortable.

"Stop lying!" she hissed.

"Okay, okay! My father is going to get married, again" I mumbled as I come up with the most recent problems I had beside her.

"You want me to come?" that was definitely not the kind of respond I was expecting from Lucy.

And suddenly for some crazy reason, I actually think that maybe with Lucy coming to my dad's wedding party, everything is going to be alright. "You really should come" I insisted. She only returns with a grin.

"Oh," she glanced to the clock on her bedside table. "You should probably go back, I have to go to the hospital"

"You sick?" I asked, concerned.

She shook her head. "My dad is,"

"I though he lives in Acalypha"

"Well, technically yes. But since his condition got worse, I told him to go to Crocus and decide to stay in hospital here, because no one can take care of him if he keeps living in Acalypha, well mostly because, I just hate it there" she snorted. "Can you imagine, he have this deadly brain tumor" she added.

"Why you never told me about this?"

"Should I?" typical Lucy.

"So, how much time does he have left?" I asked.

"Not much," she shrugged as she got up. "You want to come with me?" she turned around to peek at me over her shoulder.

Well, she said she will come to my dad's wedding party, so going to a hospital too see how her dad is doing, is not really such a bad thing to do. "Sure, just give my shirt back…" she laughed.

* * *

The hospital corridors were noisy and very crowded from all the doctors and visitors passing by and a lot of patients with less serious symptoms walking around. Lucy's father was in another private room, at the end of the corridor. He looked like tiny creature with fatal wound that can't be fixed. His head are wrapped in a white bandage, and he's just so tiny and fragile. His eyes are half-open and it's bloodshot, like somehow he's been drinking a lot, but I know exactly that someone like him can't even drink, he's on the verge of death! He was going to die soon, I just knew it since the first time I saw his eyes, even someone that is so stupid like Gray could even tell.

Lucy walked to the bed and say hello to the man with the dry chapped lips. She whisper something to his ear and smile, which he only returns with a nod and a smile too. I stand still in front of the door, because I just don't know what to do or what to say.

We waited in the corridors when the doctor came in to check on her dad. "Sorry to bring you to a place like this," she said. "But do you want to stay with me for a little longer?"

"Sure," I turn to look at her. "I stay with you all day if you want, I don't have anything to do anyway"

"Thanks," she said. "If you don't have anything to do every Sundays, how do you spend your Sunday usually?"

"Uh, I spent 6 hours learning new languages and doing some work." She laughed. "Just kidding, I was only looking at pictures of cats… and basically feeding and cleaning my cat, lame I know"

"At least you have something to do,"

"You don't?" she only shook her head. "How often do you visit your dad?"

"Five times a week"

"How can you keep having sex with me if you're busy?"

"I tried. Because I liked spending time with you, like sex and other dirty stuff"

Suddenly the doctor came out after two hours inside, interrupting my little chat with Lucy. "Well, I know he just done some surgery yesterday, but we've got him painkillers, he's pretty drained" the doctor said. "I'll need another two or three days to evaluate the results, if he gets better he'll be alright, but if he doesn't get better… I'm sorry but we have to make a decisions about it" the doctor added.

"You're going to open his head again?" Lucy argued but managed to keep calm. I let my eyes wander around the hallways. Lucy keep talking to the doctor which I stopped listened to half a second ago. After a couple of minutes standing next to Lucy trying so hard for not eavesdropping what she's talking about with the doctor, it finally end. She looked down with half of her hair covering her beautiful petite face.

"Why don't you take your time to relax once in a while?" I suggested.

"I'm sorry. I'm just too exhausted" she shot up to look at me while grinning.

"Aw, come on. You can't be sad! Here, let me hug you"

"I don't really have any relatives, only my sister Michelle, but she's overseas and married to someone rich, and sometimes she stopped by to see how dad's doing, but then she only show a little sympathy towards dad and me. I mean please, I take care of him, I wiped his sweat, I clean his freaking body, I don't know, I guess I'm just pissed and I'm so exhausted from all of this. Even though my sister always told me that I'm such a strong girl who really loves my own father, truthfully, I don't. I can get hurt sometimes, you know. I can feel so bad I want to cry." Weirdly enough, she said it all without even crying, or looking sad, just an empty emotion showed in her face.

"You really need to get away from the hospital once in a while you know, all this place been doing to you, is just giving you some negatives vibes!" I said.

"I have to take care of my dad, you idiot" she elbowed me.

"I'll take care of your dad for a while," I said, firmly.

She laughs. "Yeah, like you can do it"

"I've been watching you do it!" I argued. "I guess, I'm pretty capable to do the things you do!"

"Okay…" she trailed off but still grinning at me. "I think that's a pretty good idea, but my father usually wake up and start saying random things, you just have to ignore it when that happens, okay?"

"Okay"

Back in the room, Lucy told her father that she has something to take care of and that I would be watching him while she's gone. He just lay there in his back staring up at the ceiling. Rightly after Lucy left, I have this urge sensation to talk to him and have a little chat, but I had no idea what to say so I keep quiet for the rest of the day. After a while, he closes his eyes and went to sleep. He's not dying though, he just sleeping. After a couple of hours I can hear his faint breathing and when I looked at him, his eyes are open. He open his dry chapped lips and says, "Is Lucy back?" this somehow made me relax a little. Then, he won't stop talking anything about Lucy.

"She's really a wonderful girl. She took care of me even though I'm such a bad figure for a father," I bet he hasn't met Igneel yet, even if my dad is on the verge of death, he will not say something sweet about me or about anything, he will always be those kind of people who only talk with sarcasm and cynical feeling. "You'd better treat her right, don't ever let her go. You won't find another one like her." I bet he's saying that in under the assumption that somehow I'm Lucy's boyfriend.

"I'll treat her right," I said without elaborating that I'm not Lucy's boyfriend.

"Thanks, just please take care of her" Saying more than two words must be a major effort for him.

"Of course" then he gave me a little nod before drift off to sleep again. I think I just developed a kind of liking to this man.

When Lucy returned from her trip, she was more than happy with my job. I make Lucy's father to eat more than two spoons, and I made him talk for more than two words. Because of her father is sleeping we decided to wait outside at the coffee room and talk. "I was surprised you could do that. He's feeling awful last week, and he's been well, exactly what he looks like when you first see him, but I guess he really enjoy your company" she smiled.

"Thanks"

"You really have this have soothing effect on people huh?"

"You could say so" I grinned toothily at her.

"Do you want to come with me again to the hospital?"

"I would love to talk to your dad again," I admitted.

"Great, on Friday?"

That's five more days to go. "Sure, that would be great"

"And after that I'll give you a surprise you for keeping me accompany at the hospital"

"What is it?"

"It's a surprise"

"Can I have a hint?"

"It's something we both like to do"

Then just like that, wild scenarios of extreme sex come flash through my mind.

She giggled. "Think… lots of hand motion"

"That's definitely something I look forward to"

But I didn't meet Lucy and her father on Friday, because her father died on Wednesday. She told me not to come to the funerals because she hates funerals and she told me that after all her father matters sort out, I have to give her the best sex ever. "Promise me okay?" she asked through the phone. "Sure." I said. "A really disgusting one"

But, a week went by without Lucy in sight is more heart aching than I thought it would be.

* * *

THANKS FOR THE REVIEWS BUT I NEED MOREEEEEE I NEED SOMETHING TO ENCOURAGE MEEEEE!


	4. Chapter 4

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE REVIEWWWWWSSSSS :*

* * *

A week went by without a word from Lucy. No calls and no sign of her at her apartment. I was waiting for her call everyday, I must admit, but on Thursday evening I only got a call from none other than Gray. "Laxus is back in town! Want to catch up with him?"

"Yeah, of course!" I said excited and at least this whole Laxus and Gray asking me to meet up at a bar will maybe lessened up the million thoughts I had about Lucy.

I first met Laxus at the hospital. His grandpa who is an old pervert short person named Makarov, owns a big hospital in Magnolia. My little sister Wendy is weak from the day she was born, and actually spent the first 4 years of her life in the hospital, of course we go to Laxus's hospital, since both Igneel and my mom know Makarov very well. Wendy and I always spent the time at the hospital since we were kids, I know that it's not the best place to spend your childhood, but then if you have someone as cool as Laxus that can be considered as a big brother, who will complained about it? People admire him, like the way I did, he's smart and pretty much capable of doing anything complicated and stuff that I will not understand. He's full of charisma and has his way to talk with people, especially girls. Laxus's family always had a plenty of money and Laxus himself do have a lot of money in his wallet, people respect him and he always carried himself with real dignity. Laxus had this certain inborn quality that makes people drawn to him and enjoyed his company, he was like having this ridiculous inciting and inviting aura. He always stand at the head of the pack, so that he can give precise tactful instructions that others would definitely obey.

"It's been a long time huh?" He said after both Gray and I arrived late.

"Sorry for being late," Gray apologized.

"Never change," he smirked. "Seriously, the two of you never changed did you? Always late and still keeping those ridiculous hairstyle." He commented. It's true though, I stopped changing hairstyle 8 months ago.

"How you doing?" I asked.

"Great, of course. I'm always doing great" He answered. "What about the two of you? Girls already?"

"Ice freak here already had his dream girl," I mocked.

"What about you, Natsu?"

"Lisanna broke up with me" I huffed.

Laxus laughed. "She did, huh?" I nodded at his question. "Don't worry, her loss" he handed me his glass full whiskey. "So, Gray, tell me about your girl"

"I'm in the middle of a fight" he snickered as he drank a glass of whiskey.

"That sucks" Laxus sneered.

"It sucks if she break up with you though,"

"Don't be such a wimp you fuckers," he laughed. "Relationship is just like fat girls, sometimes they just don't workout"

I laughed so hard at it. "I'm not really going to put it that way if I were you, but the point is understandable" Gray said through the laughing he made.

"We're at the bar now!" he cheered. "Why don't we pick girls like we always do? And fuck like crazy" he suggested. Some random one night stand experience come rushing through my mind. Laxus always does this, and I'm always with him way before I met Lucy and before I even in a relationship with Lisanna. But then after the fourth time doing it, I just kinda lose the purpose to it. Laxus still enjoying it though, even his numbers are up to almost 50 girls. It's not that I lost interest at having sex, but I just don't like waking up to some strange girls that is so weird and smell like alcohol all the time. I just don't see the point to it and what can I possibly gained by fucking some random girls I just met at the bar? But it's a different story about Lucy, though. She definitely not some random girls I met at the bar.

Even though Laxus is a major in womanizer he did have a one steady girlfriend. One he'd been going out with four years. Her name was Mirajane Strauss, and she was the same age as Laxus. I had met her a few times, and I found her to be a very nice girl and a pretty looking one. She have this kind of looks that immediately attracted attention, and anyone who talked to her will took an immediate liking to her. I really liked her a lot and knew that if I could have someone like her to be my girlfriend, I'm not going to spend and waste my time sleeping with some random girls. Mira is a nice girl, and she somehow find a little liking to me and kinda sad that someone like me still doesn't have a girlfriend. So, she tried so hard to fix me up with her little sister, which is Lisanna. Things went well for the first time, but then my relationship with her just kinda explode and ruined. Mira actually know what Laxus has been doing with random girls at the bar, but she never complained to him. I think she was so ridiculously in love with him, that she can't complain about anything or even make demands towards him. "I don't deserve a girl like Mira," Laxus once told me and I seriously agree with him.

"Whoops! Sorry, committed relationship," Gray sighed as Laxus motion towards me.

I look at him and gulp. "I'm not in the mood…"

"What?" Laxus said, surprised. "Seriously?"

"I have so much going on right now" I admitted.

"You have a girl don't you?" Laxus mocked.

"Yeah, Natsu here, is in love with someone! But they can't be together!" Thanks, Gray.

"Why you didn't tell me about it?" Laxus asked. "Look at yourself man, looking all so sullen and shit, it's new to me that you actually care about your own love life"

"Hey! I know, I always keep things easy about love but underneath this handsome exterior there is a sad human being!" I argued.

"Anyhow, how about getting something to eat?" Laxus blow a smoke.

"Cruising for women again, Laxus? I told you, I'm in a relationship" Gray snickered.

"No, I mean as in an elegant dinner. Waddya think bout it? The both of you and me and Mira" his tone changed into some catching tone and playful tone.

"Dinner? As in restaurant and exquisite food?" I asked, excited.

"Yeah. My old man will pay for it, it's his birthday but he spend his birthday with young girls and the others, so I might use the money treat he give to treat you guys for dinner, so you guys in?"

"I'm in!" I slammed my flat palm against the bar counter.

"Would this Saturday be alright with you?" Laxus took a sip.

"I can't" Gray said. "I asked Juvia for dinner, you know to make things right again, I'm sorry but I have to pass. What a bummer" he complained.

"Well, if Gray isn't coming, shouldn't it just be you and Mira?" I asked.

"No," he shook his head. "I guess it'd be better if you come to the dinner, I'd be more comfortable and so is Mira" he said. "I have something to do with Mira afterwards but just come for the meal, okay?"

"Fine" I said. It's free food of course I'll go.

* * *

Laxus pick some one of the best European Restaurant in town. "It's a bit too much don't you think?" I laughed. Laxus wore some shirt and a blazer while Mira wears a midnight blue dress that work so good against her fair complexion.

"Grandpa always used to take me to this place, I'm not really a fan of these place, but the food is amazing" Laxus said while reading the menu.

"It's not so bad to eat in a place like this, once in a while, don't you think?" Mira turned to me.

"As long as I'm not paying anything" they both laughed at my respond.

Eventually the waitress took our orders as Laxus order up a bottle of wine. The food came accordingly through normal phase such as appetizers and mains and dessert. Three course meal. Laxus and Mira talk mostly about work, which I don't understand anything at all, so I just took a sip of my wine and pretend that I never heard anything. Laxus start talking about the hospital and I remember how Mira is going to a medical school along with Wendy. God, people with brains that actually functioning right and money… is this what smart people really talk about? I thought smart people would be some geek who will always spend their time at home and will not spent more than 15 jewels for a meal. As the appetizers comes, Mira start talking about girls that I should meet, and go on for dates, which I don't really want to, remembering how the first one goes with Lisanna.

"Natsu is in love with someone" Laxus interjected.

"Really?" she cooed. "Tell me about it!"

I only took a sip of my wine instead of answering her.

"He won't tell you. He even won't talk to me about it" Laxus smirked. "He's the kind of person who keep things bottled up by himself, Mira"

"What a shame, I thought we could be best friends!" Mira smiled. "I really hope it works this time, right Natsu?"

I nodded. "Thanks, though"

"I heard Lisanna broke up with you because you cheat," Mira asked all suddenly, but I know she meant it just more than that.

I choked on my soup. "I did not cheat… well, not exactly"

I give Laxus a stare as the sign of help and he realized it. "Whoops! Sorry, Mira, that one is my fault, he doesn't do any harm"

"Oh?" Mira raised one eyebrow. "Tell me about it" she turned to me again.

Laxus answered it for me. "It was that one time I insist him to go down to the bar and have our way with girls," he paused. "Well, why don't you tell her about it, Natsu?" Why the hell is he taking this thing easily?

"I swear I said 'No'!" I said in defense while looking at Mira, and luckily Laxus nodded. "It was just one time, in the middle of cold March when that happens… it kinda just happen you know, and I'm sorry" wait, isn't Mira supposed to be angry at Laxus too?

"Why did you do it? Can't you control yourself?" Shouldn't you be asking this to your boyfriend?

"Well, I kinda need human warmth against me, but having it with some random girls, doesn't really does it, so yeah" I admitted looking down at my soup.

"We're guys, Mira. Guys do sex without feelings involved" Laxus interrupted. "When guys cheats, it's because they're looking for some hot-action"

"So, that's the reason you always go sleeping around with some random girls?" she asked, surprisingly calm.

"No, I just took every opportunity that comes to me and make sure I'm not regretting myself for letting every opportunity pass" Laxus said while gulping down his double scotch.

How did this conversation happen?

The waiters took our plate and replaced it with our main course. I dig in so bad to that sea bass with cream sauce while Laxus and Mira still arguing at the same thing. God.

"So you have sex without feelings? Do you have feelings when you do it with me?" this conversation kinda getting me uncomfortable…

"Of course I do." Laxus said without hesitation and Mira smiled a little. "Think of it like a game, okay? I drink, I talk with girls, I sleep with them, and the next thing I know I woke up and forget everything, I don't even remember every single face of the girls I slept with, and I'm not intended too. Seriously, none of the girls who sleep with me really catch my eyes, I don't even bother to ask for their names, I slept with them exactly once. What's wrong with it?"

"But yet, you keep continue on doing it" she commented.

"It's just a game! Nobody's hurt!" I can hear the slight irritation in his voice.

"I hurt, badly" and it was more than enough to keep us quiet. "Am I not enough for you?"

Laxus kept silent for a moment as he swirled the glass he's holding. And there I was, sitting, eating sea bass nonchalantly and saying this to myself: JUST SAY SORRY ALREADY, LAXUS but I know it will not happen, considering what kind of person Laxus are. "It's not that you're not enough for me. I'm just that kind of man who lives with this kind of thing. If I've hurt you, I'm sorry, but it's not the question of whether you're enough for me or not, is just that I am this kind of person, that makes me _me_, the kind of man you love, and I can't do anything about it, don't you see?" I was taken aback by shock as he utter the words smoothly. Nice speech, Laxus.

Mira finally picked up her fork and knife and start eating. "Don't you feel any hesitation when you do it, though, like remembering that you're in a relationship with me?" she asked but Laxus only respond by a grunt. "What kind of human being are you, who doesn't feel scared or hesitate at all?"

"I do sometimes feel like that, as you know" he interjected quickly. "I'm sorry, but sometimes I just have this tremendous desire to sleep with girls"

"Can't you do it with just me? Don't you care about how I feel, at all?" Mira keep asking.

"You just don't understand mens sexual needs" Laxus said.

Mira sighed. "I've never really gotten angry at you for sleeping with someone else, have I?" Laxus shook his head.

"We're eating," said Laxus. "And Natsu here. Don't you think we should discuss this later?" Mira shot Laxus a look but Laxus only stare at her intimately.

"I can leave…" I said slowly and Mira is now looking at me, half smiling.

"No, please stay. At least for dessert" she said while putting her small soft petite hand over mine, and I told her, "Okay"

The table went silent when the waitress took our plate and replaced it with our desserts. Laxus barely touched his dessert as Mira only stare at it, "Oh man" I thought to myself about this situation, and I'm here, eating my dessert thinking about Lucy. What is she doing now? I wondered. She could be lying on her bed reading a book, and I could be just beside her accompanying her, and I felt this intense desire of meeting her, and what the hell am I doing in this place?

When Laxus went to the toilet Mira turned to me and say, "I'm sorry, I'm just tired" she muttered. But I can tell that it was not just from lack of sleep, but a lack of hope and happiness that made her act the way she did.

"It's okay" I assured her.

"I'm sort of stupid don't you think?" Now I have to deal with the fragile Mira? God how long this night will actually take?

"You seem like someone who could end up with someone else who will makes you happy easily, why did you settle with Laxus anyway?" I asked her and it's seriously one of the questions I've been wanting to ask her for so long.

"But people change, Natsu, don't you think?"

"You mean like growing up and stuff?" I asked and she nodded.

"His feelings might change too, you know"

"If he's an ordinary man, he will, but apparently he's not" I told her as she laughed.

"But there's nothing I can do beside waiting for him. Tell me, Natsu, is there something I rather should do beside waiting for him?" She asked.

There are million things I can come up with to tell Mira that there are practically million things you can do without Laxus, but at the end, after doing some calculations, Mira probably won't take my advice anyway. "You love him that much, huh?" I asked.

"I do," she smiled with her hand resting on her chin.

* * *

Four days later, Laxus came to find me. "I'm sorry for the unpleasant dinner,"

"That's okay," I told him.

"I'm sorry for dragging you into my problem" he snickered.

"What's with all the sorry? Are you sick?"

"Maybe" he answered simply. "I made up with Mira,"

"That's great. Good ones like her are hard to find"

"Yeah, I don't deserve her" he smiled sheepishly. "She's a great girl, a little too great for me" he said with a sigh.

"Just stop your games, Laxus. She loves you, like a lot"

"I'll try" and it was enough to keep me believing that one day I will see Laxus and Mira on the altar.

If Lucy and I were in a relationship I don't even bother to look at any other random girl. Why Laxus must be so weird and such a strong willed person? Mira was always there for him, and yet, he keep fooling around with someone else.

So, Erza proves love is real, and Mira here proves that love is worth waiting for, so why am I still here stuck with the kind of relationship that will not go anywhere?

Then suddenly, I become a victim of my own mind. I really want to be tangled in sheets with Lucy right now, I want to see her so badly, and this past weeks has been very lonely for me. Oh no, look what you've done Lucy. You said we're just friends and no strings, but look what you've done Luce, you made me like a fool waiting for your return. I do admit that at first, it seems like such fun. I mean, I know we're all just pretending, but I really think that maybe the game should end. Because I'm starting to get sick of this little games, we can't be just friends and having sex out of the blue, Luce.

Oh my god, I'm such a terrible mess. I'm having this doubt whether I should continue this relationship with Lucy or not. I think I'm losing myself. It feels like I'm just wasting my day on Lucy, but she won't even return the favor. I feel like I need to get away.

I can't take it anymore as I called Lucy. "Hello?" she answered.

"Hey,"

"Natsu? I thought I told you, I'll call you"

"I know! And I'm sorry for calling you right now, but I don't know, I just want to hear your voice, I guess" she keep quiet though, so I go on, "I really miss telling you 'Take off your shirt, your shoes and your skinny jeans,'"

"You're funny," she giggled.

"I miss seeing your face, you know, and being alone is starting to get to me" I admitted. "I never get a good night sleep since you're away. I can't really get a good night sleep anyway without you pressing up against me."

"You know, it's been lonely for these past two weeks for me too. I think it's time for us to meet up, don't you think?" her voice starting to get cheerful again. SHE'S LONELY WITHOUT ME? I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW.

"What about the funeral?" I tried to sound cool and calm.

"It's been taken care of. It's much more easy than I thought, I just have to sit there and listen to everyone saying sorry and feeling sad. I met my sister, and we talked about what should we do, so I guess everything is sorted out, right? Oh anyway, I'm going to take the train to Crocus now, I'll be there in five hours?"

"Where the hell are you?" I laughed.

"Acalypha"

"I thought you hate it there"

"It's not so bad though…"

"Okay, I'll wait for ya!" I said grinning.

"Yeah, but no flowers or some ridiculous thing! Okay? I just want to kiss you so bad and fuck like crazy"

"Definitely. No flowers. Noted"

Who cares about her messing up my mind and my feelings when she's lonely without me?

She clearly needs me.


	5. Chapter 5

I'm about to go on a trip tomorrow... so I guess I just write for the new chapter right now and I did... I guess all of your reviews really make me type so well and fast... god i love you all.

CheekyAngel21: I don't exactly know... I just kinda put so much kind of relationships in this story to portray whats happening in real life. I'm not planning on happy endings either because real life often ends poorly... I just kinda want to make this story more true, not like the one in movies that somehow relationship work easily, the kind of movies where both people who like each other will end up together anyway. i'm trying this new different approach at my story and I kinda liked it though, hehe

* * *

I didn't pick Lucy from the train station that evening, she told me not to so I obey. When I got to the bar called Fairy Tail at the corner of the street, Lucy already sitting by herself on the way far corner of the bar with drinks on table. "Sorry for waiting," I mumbled as I sit beside her and she turn to face me with her hand resting up on her chin. "It's okay," she smiled. God, I really miss those smiles.

"It's been really lonely for me these past two weeks" I said after I order up a beer.

"I know. You told me earlier when we're on the phone" she grinned. "It's been lonely for me too," she paused after she took a sip of her beer. "Things seems to be so ridiculous for me these times," she laughed half-assheartedly.

"How so?"

"Well, my dad died from brain tumor, you know that. My mother died when I was a kid, you also know that," she said, amused with her own sarcastic words. "My sister is married to someone rich and she's overseas, which is great, and I'm here, stuck in this ridiculous town called Crocus and still going on to work so that I can afford, like, this beer, for example" she raise her beer up in front of me. "I don't know. It's just suck, Natsu. Everyone seems to be having their way with life, and here I am, stuck in this labyrinth of emptiness. I just want to go away I guess. I want to leave town and have an adventure. I want to get lost. You know how world work in a funny way?" she raised her eyebrow at me, as I shook my head. "Well, they said that the times when we got lost is the time when we find who we really are, I guess I kinda believe that shit. I'm dying to leave town since I was a kid you know, there was one time when I was thirteen and I ran away from home."

"You did?" I said surprised.

"What?" she laughed. "Someone like you never ran away from home?"

"Crossed my mind, but decided to go against it. I guess I just don't know what to do if I ran away from home. Does it feel good?" I asked.

"Yeah, at first at least. My sister told me that my dad is panicked and search for me until dawn. He asked the neighbor and called up every single friends I talked to, it's kinda embarrassing but seeing him finding me after taking the train for 15 hours kinda melted my heart, you know? I feel so bad for my dad and I guess he's not such a bad father after all" she stared at her beer intensely, and here I am thinking what kind of person Lucy's dad exactly? He's some fine old man, I guess, judging by the way he acts towards Lucy, but I just can't helped it about what he might think when he's about to die? He only leaved nothing but money on these two beautiful daughters. It must be sad though. "Why life must be so fucking hard?" she throws her arms in the air as she cursed. "My mom died, my dad died, what's next? My apartment got burn? Erza fired me for keep showing up late? I always knew that life is unfair," she paused as she laughed cynically at me. "But this is fucking ridiculous. God, I just want to disappear" she protested.

"Do you mean hibernate?" I said. "Hibernate is better than disappearing. For me, at least. If you disappear who will I have sex with? I might die because of sadness"

She nudged me in the arm. She really loved nudging me in the arm, isn't she? "Okay," she gulped. "Goddammit! I want to hibernate!" she slams her right palm on the table.

"That's what I'm talking about!" I encouraged her.

"I really love the way you talked. It's _weird_, but I liked it" she grinned happily at me.

It starts raining hard outside but we both paid no attention to it as we kept talking about most random things we could talk about even though I can still hear a group of waters hitting down a hard concrete. The bar is crowded because tonight we have some jazz band playing over at the stage, as load of people clapping over them. "Hey, Natsu, have you ever wondered how awkward it is for the very first person who invented clapping?" she talks to me even though her eyes stare at the stage.

"Like, someone suddenly clapping their hands and one of them asked, 'what the hell are you doing?'"

"And he's like, 'I don't know what I'm doing man, but it seems encouraging!'" Lucy continued my sentences as she keep clapping her hands. LOOK, WE EVEN FINISH EACH OTHER SENTENCES NOW! LOOK HOW INTIMATE WE ARE! YEAH!

"Okay. So what do ants do on rainy days?" I looked outside.

"They're such a hard working animal. I guess they somehow go to a fitness indoor"

Then we bot laughed in unison.

"Oh my god," Lucy exclaimed. "Look at those couples, acting all so lovey-dovey and shit" she said, grossed out. I look to where her eyes stare and I found a couple sitting close next to each other and actually feeding each other.

"Don't you just want them to get run over by a bus?" I smirked, annoyingly.

"I know, right!" her tone of voice changed slightly upwards as she look at me with a _duh_ expression.

"But if we're in a relationship, we're not going to act like that, we're going to be the best couple ever existed" I said, laughing.

"Are you implying that we're going to get into a relationship?" she sound pissed. "You should know that I am seriously a bad luck with guys" she said, irritated.

Why do I have to bring relationship when I talked to Lucy? She hates that. "Well, getting into some relationship it's not that bad you know. I mean, it could just work out fine, especially between you and me, we understand each other," why do I even bother elaborating things I shouldn't even said to Lucy?

"I will _always_ be the kind of person who hates relationship okay?"

"Why do you have to say '_always_'? it just make it worse"

"And how is that?"

"Well, if I told you that 'I will _always_ have feelings for you' don't you think it's worse than just a normal 'I have feelings for you' you see, the word '_always_' will keep everything worse" I explained.

"You just overthinking the word '_always_'"

"I mean, if you told me that you will _always_ have feelings for me, you just made me believe that you will love me forever as in forever until the end of the time, even though you exactly know that thing never happened, right? And hoping is like the second worst thing after falling in love, everybody knows that" I paused. "And you told me that you will _always_ be the kind of person who hates relationship, and I don't know, it just kinda suck hearing it from you, because I admit there are times when I think that I will end up with you anyway"

"Well I'm sorry asshole, for making you think that way" she hissed as she got up and leaves with black umbrella covering her petite body.

I swear I never chase Lisanna when we're having a fight, but with Lucy here, I don't know what's gotten into me, the next thing I know I'm under the same umbrella with her, and I just took it from her because, well, I'm taller than her, of course, so I could stand without hunching my back. "What the hell is wrong with you? One time you called me by names, and another time you have your tongue stuck down into my throat?" I yelled at her.

"I hate you for bringing up relationship! I thought you know I hate talking about it!" She yelled back as we stand at the side of road.

"Well, I'm sorry" I said, annoyed by her suddenly mood swing.

"I'm afraid okay?" she said. "I lost my mom, I lost my dad, my sister is slipping out from my life, and the last thing I want is my best-friend, you, slipping out from my life. Relationship will do that, Natsu. Relationship will makes us strangers again, and I don't want that. I don't want anything to happen between us, I just want the way it is, why things have to change?" she looked up at me as I look into her eyes that showed sadness. "I like you, like a lot. It's impossible not to. But I don't want to get into some relationship with you, well eventually maybe, like in 20 years later, but not now. I don't want the only person I can call as friend leave me. Because someone like you could really make things alright for me" I grinned at her after she blurted out the truth, I just feel relax a little. Come on, she told me she like me, does things get any better than that? "Stop grinning at me! I'm pissed at you! Grinning alone will not make me less piss at you, I'm immune to your grin" she hit me in the chest.

I laughed. I kiss her on the mouth. After a couple of seconds, we separated. "Are you immune to that?" I grinned toothily at her. I feel like I'm in the movie right now. Seriously. I thought this kind of things that including kissing in the rain only happens in movie, but I guess it's true right? that your life is just a little movie on its own.

"Drop the umbrella and kiss me! I've been waiting for two weeks!"

"But we're going to get wet,"

"So what?! Movies does that all the time! Drop it and kiss me! Now!" Wow sometimes she maybe can be a little too compulsive and demanding. A match to Erza.

So I dropped the umbrella like she told me to and cupped her face as I kissed her, intensely and passionately. As soon as her lips touched mine I was lost to the feel, the sensation, the electricity that shot through my body as her lips laid upon mine. "Do you want to have sex?" I asked rightly after we breath. I know I shouldn't be asking her this, since I promised Gray and all, but… I don't know, who the hell can resist her?

"God, yes" she said. Her warms breath lit me up like a candle. A rush of heat spread throughout my body ferociously. I can't... control... myself.

So we went back to my apartment and do things we both very fond to do.

After having sex with her, we took our breath as we look at each other, side by side. "What is going on with us?" I asked as I took a strand of her wet hair and put it behind her right ear.

"I don't know" she panted slightly. "It's complicated. I guess" she added.

"I'm sorry to say this, but I think I have this deep intense affection towards you" she only stare at me. "It's okay though if we only have sexual intercourse, without feelings," her laughed cut me off all so suddenly.

"Why you say sexual intercourse? That's weird!"

"I don't know… but I think I'm falling in love with you" she only respond with a sweet small laugh that I want to record it so badly and put it as my ringtone. Oh my god I sound like a creep. I didn't do it though, just so you know.

"How much?" she asked.

I brushed my hand slightly against her cheek and smiled. "Enough to make all the butter in the world melt"

"That's cheesy," she choked out a laugh. "But I liked it. That's pretty sweet. The most sweetest thing a guy ever said to me" she smiled showing her dimples. I just love dimples, man.

After a couple of minutes talking, Lucy fell asleep. It's one in the morning after all. But I can't seem to sleep even though here she is pressing up against me. I got out of the bed slowly in the most subtle way I can without waking her up. I call Gray, he doesn't pick up though, guessing he might be sleeping, so the next person I can called at this time without feeling uncomfortable will definitely be Erza.

We both agreed to meet up and after we set out a place I put on my t-shirt and jeans, and I head outside. I don't put on any jacket, I'm already too hot for the world. Ha ha oh god what the hell am I thinking, making jokes at myself at 1 in the morning.

It's been a long time since the last time I talked with Erza, she's been kinda busy for the wedding lately. So, meeting up with her it's not such a bad thing to do after all, I really do miss her, actually. When I listened to her talking about the preparation she should make and how depressing it could be, I was making a mental note to myself that I should get home before six, so that when Lucy woke up, I was back in bed already. "You should probably get some sleep… your undereye bags is hideous!" I commented.

"Stop joking about my undereye bags! I know it's puffy and dark! But I can't do anything about it, I'm so stressed out!"

"It's five months away, Erza. Relax a little. I don't want my friend be up at the altar looking like a sick grandma" I laugh and she slap my head telling me to stop making jokes at her.

"And maybe you should stop making a fuss over it too" she shot me a look while grinning and she took a sip of her coffee. I guess no drinking for her… is she pregnant? She can't be right…? And a wild thought crossed my mind, what if I got Lucy pregnant? Well it's not possible right? Not in 10 years. "Jellal could hardly care about our wedding! He's slacking off!

"It is you Erza who overthinking about the wedding! I must go with Jella for this one, sorry" I took a sip of my beer.

"I just want it to be perfect. Sue me" she glared at me.

"I think I have to pass on suing you… I'm afraid about the retaliation later on"

"Nice choice" she grinned.

"Why are you so obsessed with getting married anyway?" she hit me in the head again.

"Stop making fun of me. I'm serious" she shot me a look. "Do you ever feel like nothings going right? That's what exactly happening to me right now"

"Yeah," I took another sip of my beer. "Everything sucks!" I agreed.

"Still gushing about Lucy?"

"Oh," I popped my mouth into the shape of 'O' "I told her I love her"

"And?" she asked, sounds interested to what I'm about to say.

"She laughed" I said and Erza face turns weird and all kind of mocking smile spread across her face. "But at least she didn't give me a pillow this time," I argued.

"Still,"

"But it's better than the last time I told her I like her!" I keep arguing.

"Whatever" she snorted as she took a sip of coffee and pulls out a Marlboro and lit it up.

"You still smoke?" I asked as I take one for myself. Oh what the hell if Lucy hates it when I'm smoking, I love smoking.

"Yeah. Jellal doesn't mind to it, you know how fucking addictive he is to this little shit right here, right?" she scoffed.

"I wish I could have normal relationship, like you guys" I mumbled. "I'm jealooouuuus"

"What do you mean 'normal'?" she asked.

"I don't know. Just normal, ordinary, whatever normal means. The kind of relationship who thinks and do things normally, like smoke together, going on a bath together, have sex, talk about what's going on with life, fucking appreciate each other, I don't know, the kind of relationship that based on love. My relationship with Lisanna is not normal, we barely talk. Gray and Juvia has this sort of weird relationship too, for some reason Juvia keep getting angry at Gray for no apparent reason, but somehow he stay with her, I found it kinda weird." I shrugged. "And of course. There's Laxus and Mira, who have the most weirdest relationship one can have"

"Now you're the one who overthink things" she said looking at me while blowing a smoke. God, Jella is so lucky to have girl who smoke! Girl who smoke is really sexy to my eyes, especially with eyes like Erza who have this sharp end and always define it even more with some eyeliner or whatever girls call it. Both Gray and I called it Impossible Line though, because we always thought it must have been a real effort to make a straight line just inches above your lids. "It's not like I have this perfect relationship with Jellal, Natsu. People will never have a normal relationship. Things always go wrong."

"I know. And I hate it!" I said looking down. "But I just can't help it the feeling inside me that is so ridiculously jealous over you guys, I mean even my old man is getting married in three days, what an utter shock" I said cynically.

"You know, someday you'll find love and then, then everything will be different" she blows another smoke.

I look at my cigarette that rest in the middle of my index and middle fingers. "Yeah, or ruined" I snorted.

"Hey, I'm older than you, that makes me wiser. Just trust me, not going to spoil the ending, but in the end everything is going to be okay" she said reassuringly. She nudged me in the arm to show that she really cares and meant what she says, and I do believe her. Her smiles somehow have this great quality of assurances in it, and that's just another thing I love about Erza. I mean, she's freaking amazing, a big sister that I can always rely on.

I smirked at her and damned her way of saying things smoothly and always assure me that everything is going to be okay. "I think I should go back, want me to take you home?" I asked.

"No need" she waved in front of me with her left hand as her right hand still holding the nearly out cigarette down. "Jellal is coming down to pick me, you can go"

"You sure?" I asked.

"Yeah. But do bring this pack of Marlboro with you,"

"Why? I thought he's fine with you smoking"

"He is. But he's against it for the next nine months" she grinned. And it hit me that what I was thinking earlier was right, I think I just turned into some smart guy in a seconds. And it felt great.

"YOU'RE PREGNANT?" she nodded, laughing. "HOW CAN YOU NOT TELL ME ABOUT THIS THE TIME YOU FOUND OUT? I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU! OUR FAMILY IS JUST GETTING BIGGER AND BIGGER" I exclaimed happily.

"Yeah. That's why… the wedding is going to be in three months, I don't want to get fat and have this huge baby bump on the altar, that would gross! That's why I'm stressing out" she laughed.

"I'll help you, just please ask me for help, okay? I really do want to help, and I swear I'm not going to mess up anything you told me to do! I swear! This new mommy here doesn't need to take all the stress in the world, you got us!"

"I keep that in mind." She smirked.

"I'm sorry but I really have to go, but I swear I'll see you tomorrow okay? See you later, Erza, take care, and no more smoking!" I give a peck on her right cheek and pull out the Marlboro from her hand.

"Yeah, yeah" she shoo me away.


	6. Chapter 6

So sorry if this chapter so gloomy and all... it's been raining a lot and yeah, you know what happens when its raining, human brain starts recalled of past memories.

* * *

Guess who make an appearance at my old man's wedding?

Lisanna.

Yes, none other than the white short hair girl with cute smile.

And also, my ex.

There's like load of people coming over to my dad's wedding, like where the hell did he get this people to come? Some familiar faces spotted around, and of course some close friend of Igneel is also here too, and there they are, Gray and other bunch of people that is my friend. Do they really have to come?

Seriously, there's like hundreds of people here, and I just talked with, like, 3 people. Gray, Laxus, and Erza.

And yes even though Lucy said she'd come, she didn't come.

That makes me, focused on Lisanna.

I still hadn't got the chance to talk to her appropriately though. The last day I talked to her is the day she broke up with me, I used to be fine but seeing her right now, make all the memories came rushing back. And I tell you, it sucks.

Gone all the thoughts about Lucy when I saw Lisanna standing. Her human impact on me is so sad and yet so strong.

I want to talk to Lisanna, to catch up but she seem to be so busy talking with the others and I just kinda stood there watching her from afar and wait for the opportunity. But it never comes.

As the night comes and the sky turns more into a darker shade, the after party starts. Even though its said that its invitation only, there's still load of people come to the after party. I didn't expect it, but finally the opportunity I was asking before, happens. I watched Lisanna sitting alone at the guest table.

"Hi," I said awkwardly.

Well this is weird.

"Hey, to yourself" she said, calm.

"It's kinda awkward isn't it?" I asked as she looked into my eyes. I pull a chair next to her and sit down. "Mind if I sit down? I won't be long, I have to meet somebody anyway." I lied finding an excuse to sit with her.

"It's not awkward," she said, "and shouldn't you be asking that before you sit down?" her eyes motion towards to where I'm sitting.

"Got it" I smiled sheepishly at her.

Not awkward? Tell me about it… I haven't talked to her since… forever.

We sat there in silence for a moment. The only sound we hear is from the crowd, with a lot of people chattering here and there. I looked around and it feels nostalgic. Exactly like Laxus's birthday party, only this time we're not together and it's not Laxus's birthday party. The yellow lights hanging around remind me so much of it, the people swaying and dancing around, feels heart-warming and makes me feels good. The difference is that here we have a lot of old people instead of young one. "This brings up the memories right?" I asked and turn to look at her who is nodding at my question.

"Yeah," her eyes stare deep into the crowd. "When we were still together" she murmured this time as her eyes only focused on the old couple who is dancing. Oh yeah, we danced at Laxus's birthday party. Right. "Do you ever think about, um, that night?"

That night? The night we danced? "Of course" I looked at her as she directed her eyes at me.

"Me too" she admitted.

"I mean," I paused, hesitating about the right word. "You were my first girlfriend after all" I felt myself smiling at what I said.

She chuckled softly. "And there's a lot of others after me, isn't it?"

"No," I shrugged. "I'm not even in a relationship right now, are you?"

"Yeah," she said slowly. "I'm in a relationship now," she grinned at me.

Okay. So she's in a relationship, which is a good thing, right? I mean if she's not in the relationship I will definitely find myself crawling back to her. Come on, I liked her that much.

"That's nice," I commented. "Is he any good?"

"He doesn't sleep around with random girls…" she giggled. She's mocking me isn't she?

"I didn't sleep around with random girls!" I argued. "It was an accident" I explained.

"An accident takes two, Natsu." She elbowed me. "It's fine anyway, I forgive you already, remember?"

"Yeah, but you broke up with me" I continued.

"Yeah," she looked down. "But you let me go anyway. You know I really liked you back then," she said sheepishly. "And I can't believe that I broke up with you over unexplainable problem."

Now I feel bad. I though she get it that I was joking and doesn't mean anything. "That's okay. Seriously. It's fine" then she only smiled at me.

"It is?" she asked. "Hmm."

"Hey, Lisanna," I breathed.

"Yeah?"

"Uh," I said nervously. "Someone asked me the other day if I knew you, and the sound of your name tore my skin, a million memories flashed before my eyes. All the lazy days in your bed, the months we spent just exploring one another, but then I realized that we're not together anymore. I'm sorry that I let you go or anything, but I don't know anything about love and I can't believe myself that I used to act like I do."

Lisanna looked at me with an utter surprised. "Even if," her voice was croaked. "Even if we're together again, we're going to hurt each other."

"I'm sorry, but" I paused. "Have you ever been through a break up that is so bad that Coldplay song starts to make sense? Seriously when I look at you The Scientist by Coldplay starts to play in my heart."

"Natsu," she said slowly.

"I'm just wondering if your hearts still open,"

"Natsu, I'm sorry, I'm with someone else already."

I looked up to see her. "Oh yeah, I'm sorry. I'm totally seeing this new girl too." I retorted quickly.

Weird how one time we talked and everything around us is so sad and gloomy and one time we act like everything never happened.

"She must be lucky. Good for you." She smiled weakly.

The silences between us are chill and tense.

"You said you have to meet somebody," Lisanna pointed out.

"Oh yeah. That." I mumbled getting myself to stand up. "So, bye. I guess" I waved awkwardly. "I'm probably going to be back in ten minutes. I hope I'll still see you then"

"Why?" she asked.

"Hmm." I murmured. "I wonder why"

"So that you can say 'Hi' to my new boyfriend? He's not here for your information" she snickered.

I sighed, in defeat as my grip on the chair loosen. "Well, that might be it"

"I'll see you soon, Natsu." I turn back to see her for the last time before I walked away from that table.

It's sad how things turned out, and I wish I could just scream out to the world how much I miss Lisanna, but nobody would listen, just like she wouldn't, so there's no point to it in the end.

But that's the way it always goes, isn't it? You meet someone, and you don't really notice how special they are until suddenly they're gone. And you have no idea when that happened, even though a part of you knew it from the start.

I'm just wondering how come she carry on without me?

I knew exactly what I wanted when I'm in a relationship with her, like I really want to get married with her. And even so, it ended. Like somehow, one day it just stopped.

The clock is ticking, and I guess I understand that what lasts, lasts. What doesn't, doesn't. Time will solves and settled my feelings and yeah I'll get over it eventually and maybe even really soon but that doesn't make it suck any less right now.

GOD WHY DO I HAVE THE COURAGE TO EVEN WALK AND TALK TO HER?

I should've ignored her the whole night.

And probably my night wouldn't be so bad and bitter like now.

Sometime I wondered how come I drawn to things that are wrong for me. Like, Lisanna for example. She's not right for me, we have tons of unsolved problems when we're together and yet I still like her and probably even love her. We're not a perfect couple and we're not really fit for each other but why seeing her after five months she broke up with me, I still feel sad.

I'm so sad I can't even find the words to describe how sad I am.

Maybe I can try to run away or cover it up but the uncomfortable truth is that the world is overrun with pain, the unbearable pain.

Man since when I can get this depressed!

Damn, it's irritating me.

"Whatcha doin'!" Someone index finger poke my right cheek.

I looked up and turn to see who the finger belongs to. My eyes met with a blond pretty girl. Lucy. "Hi, Luce. I thought you're not coming."

"Yeah, sorry I'm late. I was like so busy with everything," she argued. "Hahaha seriously I just forgot that today is your dad's wedding, so yeah. You know me." She grinned at me.

"Uh, thanks for coming, I guess" I laughed at her.

"Hey, why you looking all so sullen?" she asked.

"I'm not."

"Uh, yes you are, Natsu."

"No."

"Hey, Natsu," she sit down next to me.

"Yeah?"

"I want to travel." She said suddenly. "I want to travel so bad. There was one time I went to visit my sister overseas but I got lost. I was so panicked and confused that when I sit down to take a breath, I forgot where am I. I realized, during those time, that I just love everything about getting lost. I love the sky that day, I even love seeing people greeting each other, as I decided that, that was the best thing about the trip" she smiled a little.

"Why are you telling me this?"

She turned to look at me. "Oh yeah. Shit. I'm sorry. I guess when you're in love with someone you just kinda want to tell them the things, you know 'the things' like anything. Sad things, and happy things and I want to cheer you up, well, maybe"

I smiled at her word. "You know, next time you go for travelling, count me in, alright?"

Her eyes open wide in surprised as smile spread across her lips. "You want to travel with me?"

I was gonna say 'Sure' but something stopping me. She's complicated, she's a troublemaker and she's weird. If I have to travel with her I must sure as hell to put her safety in my top priorities, I mean, come on, she's a troublesome girl. She's just weird. Then suddenly, what Igneel told me crossed my mind: When in doubt, mumbles.

"Uh-uh" I answered, hesitantly.

"Awesome" she grinned at me.

"So about what you said before, about how people just want to tell other people random things… I guess I have something to tell you too" I mumbled.

"Shoot" she smiled.

"My dad always wanted me to go to prep school or something so I can be a doctor or a lawyer or something, but of course I didn't. I mean look at me? How can I be a doctor? Igneel weren't too happy about it at first though, but he managed to get Wendy to go to medical school, so I guess everything is fine. There is no particular reason why I'm telling you this, but I guess I just wanna tell you things, because you tell me one" I shrugged.

"That's cool," she paused. "I mean with everything that is happening with you and your dad. You didn't listen to him, because you exactly knew what you want, am I right?"

"Yeah, you mostly got it right. It's kinda cool don't you think? That I'm not listening to what my old man saying,"

"Are you saying you're a rebel?"

"No," I retorted rather quickly.

"Yeah, you wish" she scoffed. "Believe me, you're going to miss your dad nagging"

"I don't think so" I smirked.

"You'll see" she mumbled as her eyes fixed on the crowd.

Her eyes intense as I suddenly remembered that her dad is dead and she's pretty much left with nothing. Which I'm kinda worried about. But she's a strong girl, I can see it from the outside, the way she talks and definitely the way she takes things. She face it, she didn't run from it, she just kinda accepted it and face it. Head on. I like that.

"You know, you are the weirdest person I've ever met" I commented, slightly smirking at her.

"Yeah, how so?"

"You just are" I said firmly as she toss her hair behind her shoulder and keep her eyes fixed on the crowd. Not even a slight movement can be seen from her eyeballs.

"You know I'm vulnerable just like you. When bad things happen I always want to think that it was just some kind of joke, but sometimes life is scary, that's why we have to find the light." She paused and her mouth left hanging open. "I thought I had everything planned since I was young, it was all about the future, escaping my family and my life and immersing myself in daydreams of a better tomorrow. Now, it seems that I just finally stopped caring about anything."

"Erza told me that everything will be okay in the end. Beside, time will heal." I said.

"If time supposedly heals all wounds then why do I still remember pains of years past?" she turns to look at me with a sad unexplainable expression. "Come on, Natsu, I saw you talking to Lisanna before you sit here. How long do you think I've been here? I've been here for a good 20 minutes, I'm looking for you but I got caught up with Gray first, and then I saw you talking to Lisanna, so I waited. Looking at you who sit alone and probably thinking about Lisanna makes me sad and I decided that I have to tell you that I came just like I promised." She paused. "So tell me if time heals then why is it that when you hear Lisanna name you jolted awake and when you see her all memories come flooding back to you?"

"How do you know?" I asked back, completely baffled.

"Because I've been there."

"With Loki?"

"Well yeah," she murmured. "I may not look like it but for me, when it comes to love it's a big deal."

"Trust me, heartache is better than loneliness," I scoffed.

"What makes you think that?" she asked.

"Because at least you know who you crying out for. I mean, here I am surrounded by tons of people and yet I still feel alone, how is that even possible? It's weird right?"

"Don't worry. I'm just exactly like you, I always feel alone."

"Say, do you wanna walk with me? Get out of this place, I mean."

"No," she shook her head calmly like somehow she already figured out what to say. "Remember when I told you I was stuck with Gray?" I nodded. "I was stuck because he told me his deep personal stuff."

"Personal stuff?" I asked.

"Yeah,"

"Why would he talk to you about his personal stuff?" I wondered. I look at her questioningly, "I thought you're not that close."

"No, we're totally not. I just walk past him, said 'Hi' and I don't know, he starts talking to me. I'm not even sure he even knew my last name."

I continue to look at her questioningly.

Then Lucy continues. "But I think he really need someone to talk to. Normally I believe it would have been you or Erza or a good friend of him, but I don't know, maybe I just happen to be there. So he picked me, it just happened to be me. It could've been anybody." She elaborated.

"Still, why you? I never see him getting trouble at finding friends to talk to" I said.

"I don't know. Maybe I seem to be a harmless human being, the kind of human he just can get opened up and not feel threatened."

"I don't get it." I told her.

"I know it sounds ridiculous, but… a lot of people always seems to pick me to tell their secrets to. I wonder why that is? It's not that I want to hear everybody business."

"Okay. I still don't understand, but anyway, so he opened up to you, like he confessed all the secrets to you?"

"Yeah, more like he told me personal stuff."

"Like?" I asked.

"Like, family stuff"

"I know about his family."

She laughs mockingly at me. "I'm sure you do."

"He told you stuff about me?"

"Uh-uh"

"Like?"

"I'm not telling you. One thing I can tell you though, is that he's having a hard time with his girlfriend."

Sound a little bit irritated, I pressed on my words, "I also know that."

Lucy stays silent while staring at me.

Yet I replied with silence too, waiting for her answers.

"So, why are you here talking to me instead comforting him?" she finally asked.

"You're the one who talk to me first." I pointed out.

She hums then sighs. "I'm going to take a walk. Talk to Gray okay? He looked really sad and look like he's about to cry, I feel bad. Like I don't even know him that much, but you know we all human, just by looking at someone can get us affected anyway," she paused, "He's your friend, you should really talk to him. I'll see you soon Natsu."

"Why don't you talk to him? He shared his deep personal stuff with you after all" I stopped her.

"Yeah, but you're his friend" her mouth twitch slightly upward in mocking way.

With every words she said, it was enough to make my ass up and go search for Gray. It wasn't take that long for me to find him, since he looking all so sullen standing near the stool at the bar rightly catch my eyes. Seriously? Was dad the only person who is happy at this wedding? I got the Lisanna problem, Lucy is acting weird, well she always is anyway, and there's Gray, who tell personal stuff to Lucy, but not me… his best friend. What is wrong with this planet?

"What the hell is wrong with you?" I quickly asked.

"Nothings wrong" he mumbled while swirling his glass.

"Are you crying?"

"I'm not."

"But you're about to cry, right?"

"Shut up" he yelled.

"Men only cry for their comrades."

"Laxus said that," he said. "I'm not crying." He added.

"You see, she's just one of the girls in this world you know, you'll find someone like her, trust me, and even if you don't, you still have us as friends." I nudged him in the arm.

"I know that, but I never thought getting into a relationship with her would be this hard. Okay, so maybe the only conclusion I can make at this time is to break up with her right? Or wait for her to dump me, but then when I think about splitting up, it hurts ways worse. It's hard to keep the relationship, but I'd be sad for it to end. Although the relationship and frustration is hard to deal with, I just don't want to part with her."

"You still haven't told me what's wrong with you and Juvia,"

"We've been stuck in the same place, doing the same things and drawing the same conclusions. The situation just keeps on getting replayed over and over again and each time, it's still a problem. I shouldn't be together with her though, if you try to look at the relationship in a logical sense, like somehow our minds see things differently."

"And?"

"I was trying so hard to analyze the relationship in a quantitative way, to try and find some formula that would give me the answer to understanding this girl. But then eventually I realizes that trying to play this from a strictly numerical and logical senses does not satisfy the assessment what my heart trying to make."

"You can't control everything. Sometimes you just need to relax and have faith that things will work out."

Gray only looked at me with silence.

"Come on, it's my dad's wedding party. Cheer up a little."

"You know what Natsu," he smirked. "It's like you're begging me to hate you," he laughed.

"How is that?" I asked annoyed.

"You talked like everything is fine with you, and you try to make everything fine with the others, but you're not fine, and yet you talk you figure everything out. Somehow it pisses me off, you only care about everyone's problem but not yours, why is that?"

"I wonder why hmm." I answered.

"Why are you taking care of me?" he scoffed.

"You're my friend, why shouldn't I be? Even though you're an ass, you still my friend." I shrugged.

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but, thank you, I guess"

"No problem" I answered with a smile.

"Wanna get on the dance floor?" Gray smirked at me.

"Hell yeah!" I answered in enthusiasm.

In the end, with everything that's happening all around us, bad things, good things, strange things, I just have to endure it.

I just have to forget about all the sad things, and the problematic things and start to have fun once in a while.

So what if my dad got remarried again? I should be glad that I still have a dad.

So what if my heart starts to act funny every time I see Lisanna? She's just an ex of mine, eventually my heart will get used to it. I should be grateful that I'm not stuck in relationship.

So what if my relationship with Lucy is weird and no one wants to clarify it? Being a friend of her is good enough for me already.

Seriously, when everything goes downhill, you just have to look for the silver linings.

Dancing with friends is my silver linings, it makes me feel weightless even if its only for temporarily.


	7. Chapter 7

Here's the new chapter! Thanks for the review, fave, and follow! loveuallllllll! For everyone who read my story and think its great, God bless them:)

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One month later after my dads wedding, everything seems to get out of control. One morning I woke up with missed called notifications from Anastasia, 23 times to be exact. Guessing something might go wrong with my 'step mother' I called her back.

"Natsu," she sobbed as soon she pick up.

"What's wrong?" I immediately asked.

"Igneel is missing," she sobbed again.

"What do you mean he's missing?" I react to her very quickly.

"He's missing, Natsu." She pressed firmly. "Gone. Lost. Anything that defines missing."

"He's missing?" I echoed still completely shocked.

"He is! I just woke up and he's gone! He's gone Natsu!"

I sighed in relieved. I thought what she meant by missing is like he's been kidnapped, or get threaten, or worse, possibly involve in a homicide.

"He might go to the supermarket or somewhere you know, he probably going to be back in half an hour. He always does that in the morning, getting his own coffee at his favorite coffee shop and getting a morning newspaper and everything. He loves to do that, so no worries." I said, calm.

But Igneel never came back. Not even in a half an hour, or an hour, or even five hours. Busy searching for him with Anastasia, two weeks went by very quickly. The first week I spent my time comforting over the non stop crying Anastasia, people assume that he got into some accident and probably dead but we just haven't got the news. I can't believe how much people believe that, even Anastasia, the only one who didn't believe on the rumor was pretty much only me, and of course Wendy. Igneel is a very tough guy, he could make it, that's certain. There is no way that Igneel is dead.

He used to went out missing too when I was a kid. It was full of horrible memories that I don't really want to remember, but then I guess I should. Wendy was only four when Igneel first went missing. He's just gone one day and back three days later, his face structure is all ruffed and his body covered in bruises. My mother didn't make a fuss over it, she just hug him and took care of him. He went out missing again when Wendy was only 6 and I was only 10, our mom already dead, not exist anymore in this world, and we're being left out by our father for two weeks. The first two days, was the hardest days of my life, I just can't help it anymore that I can't even barely take care of Wendy, I feel very helpless. So I ran to Laxus's hospital and cry, and cry, and cry for the longest time in front of him. It was the most embarrassing time of my life, I cried in front of a man. It was probably the last time I cried for myself. I cried so hard at the hospital like it's nobody business.

For the second week, I spent my time helping Wendy moving out. She's moving out to a new apartment. Even though it's the tenth days of Igneel missing, not a single phone call or text coming from him. I never really witness someone who's in pain, until I saw Anastasia, and then it's the most goddamned depressing things to witness. Every time I check on how was she doing, she just curled up in a ball on the couch covered by warm blanket, her eyes stare blankly at the TV, even though I'm pretty sure she didn't even paying attention to it. She acted like as if her soul has drained out. I don't think she even bother to take a shower.

I was in the middle of painting Wendy's room when Lucy popped into my mind. I hadn't been in touch with her for nearly two weeks. I realized, I hadn't even told her about Igneel. I had mentioned to her about me helping Wendy moving out though, and she said, "Oh really? Big brother helping the little sister huh?" and that was the last time we talked.

I went to grab my cellphone and dialed Lucy's phone number, but after the three attempts, she still didn't answer it. So I dialed her apartment and the woman who answered it was probably her sister or a friend. I told her my name and she said, "Wait a minute," but Lucy never came to the phone. Then the sister or whoever she was, get back on the phone. "Lucy said she's too mad at you. She said that you disappeared for two weeks. Just disappeared like that."

"Look, can you just put her on the phone? I can explain."

"She says she doesn't want to hear any explanations."

I sighed. "Can I explain to you, then?"

"Hell no! You know how she is, once she's mad she's going to stay mad. Don't explain it to me, explain it to her, I'm not going to do it for you, what kind of man are you? It's your fault and it's your responsibility, so _you_ do it, and do it right."

I realized it was hopeless, so I thanked her and hung up.

Great. Igneel is missing, Lucy is mad at me, and I still have to take care of Anastasia.

I couldn't really blame Lucy for being mad at me though, I'm so busy and caught up with my own situation that I haven't really give her a second thought. But then, it's normal, it's not something new for me, once I get involved into something, I shut everyone out from my life. Especially when I'm so busy painting.

But then I started thinking how would I have felt if Lucy had gone missing or doing whatever she likes to do somewhere without telling me or getting in touch with me for two weeks, I would have been devastated. No doubt about it. We weren't exactly lovers, I think that Lucy was only a distractions so that myself can move on and forget about Lisanna, but in a way we had opened ourselves to each other might even more deeply than lovers do. The thought is depressing itself. How can I hurt someone I really care and to do it so unconsciously?

As soon as I finished helping Wendy moving out, I sat down and text Lucy. I told her everything, as honest as I could. I apologized, without excuses, because I know Lucy hates excuses, I told her something like, "I miss you" but the answer never came.

My weeks just keep getting worse. Three days of waiting Lucy to text me back was devastating and hopeless, but a text from Jellal made it even worse. Erza got miscarriage. What could possibly be more worse than that?

I hurried to the hospital as soon as I got the text. Erza is sleeping and she's safe and sound, even though the baby doesn't. Jellal eyes were bloodshot, probably from crying, and it all came from something inside Erza's stomach. The baby body doesn't even exist in this world, and yet it makes everyone sad. I guess a grief for death doesn't really need an age or shape or anything, its death, what could possibly you expect beside sadness? Every time there's death, there's grief.

"How could this happen?" I asked.

"She got into some accident." And Jellal doesn't even bother to explain it more.

Everyone gathered at the waiting room, waiting for Erza to wake up and to cheer her up. I saw Lucy waiting though, talking with Levy and Gray, so I come up to her and said, "I need to talk to you."

"I'm in the middle of conversation with Levy and Gray," she answered much to my surprise, cocking her head to the side slightly.

"I won't take much of your time, I promised." I glanced at Levy and Gray for a second.

Lucy narrowed her eyes. "I don't want to talk to you. Sorry"

"I know. I know. But I don't want our relationship to end like this, at least could you tell me when you're going to start talking to me again?"

"When I feel like talking to you," she answered, sharp.

"Okay. One question. How are you?" I asked.

"Fine," then she turns her head back to Levy and Gray and ignored my appearance. Levy and Gray shot me a look for a second, their eyes saying sorry, but Lucy is a stubborn and very moody kid so it's not going to change anything.

It was hopeless after all.

After the incident of Lucy totally ignoring me, Erza woke up. When I got into her room, everyone already gathered around her, telling her good and funny stories. I can tell that she's not really listening to any of the stories, but once in a while she give them a slight smile to let them know that deep down she's still listening to them. I watched her, while I slightly leaned at the door and realized that no good or funny stories will cure her sadness from losing a loved one. No matter how funny the story is, nothing will ever gonna cure her sorrow. I realized that all we can do is help her get through the sadness to the end.

She might experiencing all kinds of difficult emotions right now. These are normal reactions to a significant death anyway. She might be sad, worried, or scared. She might be shocked, unprepared, or confused. She might be feeling guilty, lost, or just plain empty. She might even just feel numb as if nothing happened.

I stay still, leaning at her door and watched her.

When the others leave to go get some coffee and food, I finally get some alone time with Erza. And of course Jellal.

"Erza," I smiled at her and she returns the smile weakly. "You gotta let the pressure out, or it will build up inside your head and it will ruined you." I told her.

"I know," she stopped halfway and decided not to finish whatever she's going to say.

"The wedding is not off right?" I asked at both of them.

"Well, about that," Jellal jumped in. "There are something we both want to tell you,"

"What…?"

"Well, we're not going to get married." Erza finished for him.

I only offered them silence.

"But, it's not like we're not going to get married in one year or two years. We just want to sort things out first," Jellal explained to me.

"What kind of things?" I asked.

"You know, the baby. We're planning to move to a bigger apartment too, and other stuff. It's pretty tiring to plan a wedding, so I guess we canceled it and let time decide when will be the best time for us to get married." Jellal explained briefly to me.

"But your relationship is fine, right? I mean with this whole thing happening to you guys?"

"We're fine." Erza answered.

"Yeah, we'll be fine." Jellal smirk slightly but I know those eyes were tired.

Erza rub her stomach and murmurs softly. "Don't worry, you really are a part of me, really. Always have been, and always will be."

Here's a thought: the baby does not exist here, with us, but the flesh that does not exist still can cause a great grief upon us. How strange is that such little things can affected us so bad? Even though there's nothing strange about it at all.

Here's the conclusion: the loss of someone you love always accompanied by intense grief and sadness.

The next day, Wendy asked me to go to the market to buy milk and other stuff. When I went home, Lucy popped into my mind again and I decide to visit her at her apartment. I rang the bell but no answer from her. Figured. So I went home.

"Any news about Igneel?" Once Wendy asked.

"Not a single thing," I mumbled.

"Oh." Her voice flat but I know she's disappointed. She tends to hide her emotions. She's a little too great to show her vulnerable side to the others.

"How Anastasia doing?" I asked.

"Getting worse," she shrugged. "Hey, Natsu,"

"Yeah?"

"Is it okay if I believe in you? That somehow you'll find Igneel and we'll become a family once again, I mean, I don't want to be a burden to you, like getting my hopes up and depending on you, but – I just don't know who I can depend on beside you."

"I'll find Igneel somehow. Trust me." I murmured.

"Cool. Because Anastasia depends on you too." She told me but I decided to end our conversation, so I say nothing.

Now it's my responsibility to take care of them and find Igneel at the same time. Great.

I have to find Igneel? Where? Where do I have to look? This world is ridiculously huge and I have to find one person. It's like Igneel playing a 'Where's Waldo' thing.

I might have to go on an adventure just to find him. I hate him, but deep down I have this unexplainable attached feeling towards him. Probably because he's my dad, and I can't leave him go wander around like he owns the world. People hurt by his absence, like, he only left scars for Anastasia. That's unfair. That's one of the reasons why I should get him back.

Where and what is my old man up to?

I'm making a mental note to myself to ask him for some explanation.

At the end of the months, my loneliness starts to takes its toll. Wendy focused on her medical school, Anastasia getting distant day by day, and it seems that I was just all by myself, like somehow everyone stood afar from me. Now I had no one to say 'Good Morning' to or 'Good Night'. I tried to speak to Lucy a few times, but the answer I got from her was always the same, "I don't want to talk to you now" - and I knew from the tone of her voice that she meant it. I'm getting into a "I miss you' phase that doesn't feel good. I realized I miss her badly and feeling lonely without her when I smoke a little bit too much. But I guess this is normal though, lonely individuals tend to do whatever they can to make themselves feel better. If it's only for a moment.

Why do I miss Lucy? Is it because I love her? Or maybe it's just an infatuation? When I think about Lucy, I have this thought that felt like a void, an aching, gnawing feeling. Rather awful isn't it? It was as if I was wounded badly and I fixed it up, and when it's healed, the patch is gone but the wound keeps on bleeding. Not because the wound is deep, but because a bleeding wound will always bleed.

At work, Gray became my problem. He somehow think that it was his responsibility to cheer me up. So, he continuously annoyed me. One day he invited me to a nearby bar after work, to have a quality time, because it's been a while since I talk to him face to face.

"Any news from Igneel?" he asked.

I shook my head.

"What about Lucy?"

I shook my head once again.

"Tell me about her," he demanded.

"She is – how should I put it?" I sighed. "Look, here's the thing, you know how I am when I get involved into something?" he nodded. "That's what happens. I get involved into something, then I become kinda a little self-centered and forget about her. I know that it's not really her fault for ignoring me and all, but – Oh My God I'm mentally ruined aren't I?" I realized that talking about Lucy made it even worse. It reminded me how my life been without Lucy, flat and boring. This put me into a very foul mood. I never realized it before, but she already became a huge part in my life.

"Explain."

"I can't."

"Why?"

"Because there are so many things about me that I can't explain to anyone. There are even things within me that I can't understand. All I know is that I'm starting to have a hard time at telling the difference between what my heart wants, and what my mind wants."

"Oh. You're just getting weirder and weirder." He chuckled.

"What about you and Juvia? Made up already?"

"Uh, well, you know how girls act after they get into their 20's," he shrugged. "They start to act normal and depressing and boring, like all so sudden everything that seemed so sweet and lovable about them just disappear. Instead they replace their minds with something, like, concrete ideas and depressing stuff."

"Are you saying you're not interested in her anymore?" I asked.

"Let me explain some junk about love," he said. "Love is unconditional, but we, somehow put conditions on it. Like, let's say you love a person because you think that she is tolerant, trustworthy, caring and etc. but if this person suddenly doesn't behave the way you want, you don't love that person anymore. That is putting conditions on love."

"Then why don't you try to love her unconditionally? If your love were unconditional you would love her even if she insult you or beat you up right?"

"I'm not even thirty yet, Natsu. I'm not planning on something big like Jellal would do. I don't even have a plan for my future, and yet she keep asking me about the future of our relationship, I just want to sit back and relax, I don't even sure that she would be my future wife."

"But you're engaged..." I pointed out.

"That's because I'm stupid. I don't know why I'm engaged with her, I thought I had everything planned, but actually I don't."

"Okay, so shouldn't you break up with her or anything? For both your sakes."

"That's what I think too, our relationship just getting distant and distant and – she's planning to spend her life with me, how the hell can I say, 'Hey, I think we should break up, I don't like you anymore'?"

"Can't you save the relationship though?"

"I don't know, I don't think it's possible… but – I'm just very confused right now, to the point I don't even care anymore. I finally stopped caring." He laughed cynically.

"From what I heard, from pretty much everyone, love can move the mountain, so like they say, anything is possible when it comes to love."

"I'll think about that."

After a couple of weeks, one strange thing happened to me. Lucy texted me, saying, "I'm not totally mad at you. I heard from Gray that you have problems and he told me that I should forgive you, because you're sensitive as a steel plate and once you sunk into a million thoughts there's no way that I would get into your mind, so I'm pretty much have to forgive you for what you've done, but you don't even realize what you've done to me right? You hurt me badly. Anyway, you were so nice to me when I was having my problems, but now that you're having yours, it seems there's not a thing I can do for you. So why don't we meet up?"

I agreed to her invitation.

When I arrived at our meeting point, I didn't see Lucy, so I assume she's running late. So I waited, by sitting at the bench. I can't wait to talk to her, or even just to look at her. I miss her so much that I can't even comprehend any more days without her.

"Let's get something to eat," I looked up to see Lucy eyes narrowed down at me. She kept her eyes on mine for a little while, then held her right hand out to me. "I'm starved."

I smile weakly at her. "Where do you want to go?"

"Just follow me."

Lucy took me to her favorite restaurant near her office. It had been raining since morning and the place is practically empty. The smelled of rain filled the restaurant. We took a seat near the window, and after the waitress took our orders, Lucy's hand rub against each other slightly, like as if she wants to ease the breezy feeling from the rain. She propped her chin in her hand, sitting next to me, saying nothing. Beyond the window, it was raining, a really rainy season kind of rain, soaking every single thing.

"Are you mad at me?" she cock her head to the side slightly.

"No." I answered without hesitation or whatsoever.

"I'm sorry, you know, I mean, you texted and call and all, and I kinda ignored you," she paused. "Do you hate me if I told you that I only do that to get even with you?" she raised her eyebrows.

"Not at all. If you want to get even with me then do it, I'm such a jerk for not telling you anything for two weeks anyway, so it's okay, I understand."

"What's wrong with you anyway? You look a lot skinnier. Like skin and bones."

"Life's happen," I shrugged.

"Your sister makes you work 24/7 non stop?" she asked.

"No, it's not that,"

"Then what is it?"

"It has something to do with my father."

Lucy quickly straightened her face and stare blankly at me. "Oh."

"Yeah, oh" I echoed.

"What's wrong with him?"

"He's… missing."

"Missing? I don't understand."

"You know, gone and such."

"Is he not coming back?"

I sighed. "I have no idea."

"Anyway, let's eat. That's all I can think about now." Her voice flat as she pick up her chopsticks.

We then eat in silence. Complete silence. We finished all of our foods, down until the little fried ones and our green tea from those white cups. I followed with a cigarette, of course after asking for permission first. I told her that when I miss her I smoke too much and since then it seems the cigarettes are taking control of me. After we pay for our food, I ask her, "Where do you want to go now?" she stood up without a word and took her umbrella.

"Outside, of course, probably a tall building roof, " she smiled.

"But it's pouring rain outside,"

"So what? We got our umbrella."

"But, why there of all places?" I asked but she ignored me.

I can't see a slight of hope at arguing with her anyway so I followed her outside and let her pick the tall building and head to the roof. We're like a stupid couple. There was completely no one in the roof. As soon as we finished wandering around, we both sit at some platforms and look at each other.

"You have something to say to me, aren't you?" she guessed.

I keep silence as I stare into her deep chocolate eyes.

"Tell me," she demanded.

I blew a smoke. "I'm sorry that I… I don't know what to say Luce. I'm really sorry. I never thought that I could hurt you, badly, beyond repair, and I'm sorry for that." I told her sincerely.

"Do you know why I'm mad at you?" she asked but I know it's a trap, it's the kind of question that girl asks but she didn't care what your answer is, so you better just keep your mouth shut. "Remember the last time we talked, before you went missing for two weeks?" I nodded. "Well, that day we talked, right? But I can tell that your head is so focused on that girl. Lisanna. You've been thinking about her again lately, right?"

I'm stunned with silence. She was right, that time my brain still fogged over Lisanna, and the wedding incident. How could she notice that?

"You were so spaced out thinking about this girl when you're talking to me! That's why I was so mad at you! We hadn't see each other for a quiet long time, and yet you spaced out, you didn't even look at _me_! I was gonna forgive you either way, but then you disappear from me, just like that, for two weeks, Natsu! How could I _not get_ angry with you?"

This took me completely off guard. "Well, but"

"You know what's weird?" she asked and I believe it's another trap question that she doesn't even need my answer. "What's weird is that, I have never been able to love someone so seriously. I have never felt this huge unsettled feelings dwelled up inside my heart, but now," she scoffed, "thanks to you, I am now saddled with unnecessary feelings."

I tried to speak but the words stuck in my throat. Lucy suddenly moved forwards and pulls out the cigarette from my mouth and throw it into the puddle, angrily. "Will you please get that look off of your face?" she snapped. "I know you're worried about Igneel. I know you're busy helping Wendy to move out. I know you still thinking about Lisanna. I know that I was probably just some new girl distraction from Lisanna. But please, you're very special to me. Every time I'm with you everything just feel so right. I believe in you, and I can't think of someone else who can even come close to understanding my life. I'm not expecting anything from you, I know you still have feelings for that girl, but please just stop looking at me like that! You're going to make me cry."

Had nothing to say, I hug her and drop the umbrella once again. Our lips met and we devour each other. "I love you" I said to her. "But right now, there's nothing I can do." Where the hell did that come from? How could I say that out loud?

"Igneel?" she asked and I nodded.

"It's pretty much mixed up. All I know is, I sort of have this responsibility to find him, Anastasia and Wendy depends on me, and I just can't turn my back on them."

"So, what do you want to do now?"

Lucy face pressed up against my chest. "I want to travel. I want to embark on a journey to find Igneel, to finally sort things out and then maybe everything will finally work out as I planned. I want to go as soon as possible, probably tomorrow," I chuckled when her grip on me tighten. "I'm sorry Lucy, but I need time."

"Can I come?"

"Can _you_ come?" I echoed. "No, I don't think so," I chuckled as she pouted. "It's my problem, it's something I have to deal with by myself. You somehow become a distraction to me, I can't seems to focused on anything when I'm near you. Like, somehow you constantly, unconsciously, greedily seek my attention."

"Yeah, but you do really love me right?" she asked and I nodded again. "Good then, I'll wait for you."

"You want to wait for me?" I asked as she pulled out from me and smiled.

"Of course! I'll wait for you! I believe in you! But you will _only_ think of me, understood? I don't want any girl fogged up your mind again beside me,"

"Understood." I smiled.

So I kissed her again, for the longest time.

"Want to visit my apartment? We'll catch cold if we stay like this." Lucy suggested.

"How funny," I smirked at her. "I was thinking the exact same thing."

It was true after all, I loved Lucy, and I probably known it for a while, but my stupid self had just been avoiding the truth.


	8. Chapter 8

Thanks you so much for the follows and reviews and fans!

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Sometimes people just need coffee shops and sunsets and road trips. Need new songs and old songs. So, I packed my bag and went to the train station. I left my cellphone behind, so people wouldn't be able to get in touch with me. Even though I hate getting on at transportations, I still have to get the first express train I could find to get out of town. After a couple of hours inside the train, I finally arrived. I spent 20 minutes sitting at a bench at the train station, staring at the garden and I felt completely drained. I stood up and start walking, deciding it's time to get lost.

One thing I don't realize what people really need is, is the presence of other people. A living breathing people. But, I'm right here now, there's no Lucy or Gray, or Erza, or Wendy. Just me and the world. There's no backing down now.

I spent three full days by walking at the seashore. I could always find a comfortable place to sleep in the sand. Feeling collected with my sleeping bag. I'd make a fire from driftwood and roast some dried fish I bought from a local fisherman. Then I listen to the waves while I thought about my life. When I felt hungry I would nibble anything within reach, drink some water, and when the loneliness get the best of me, I'd treat myself with some alcohol. I didn't bathe, I didn't shave. This is how the three days went by.

The next day I move from town to town by train or bus or sometime by walking. Just because I hate transportations. I don't know where to look for Igneel, so I guess I just have to look at every place I can.

He's like a smoke. Sometimes I think I'm getting closer to find him, but when I reach out for him, there's nothing there.

When I'm not inside a town, I ended up at a campsite near the forest. I set up camp in a meadow surrounded by forest. As the night crickets chirp around me, I lay on my backs and gaze up at the clear stars. When I woke up the next day, I set for another journey.

One time, I get really lonely, sleeping by myself in the middle of nowhere so I search for a nearby telephone box and dialed Lucy's number. I had to hear her voice of course. Especially when I can't think of nothing but Lucy.

"You do realize you've been out of touch for nearly two months?" she asked. "Where are you?"

I looked around but I found myself trapped in this black world that I don't even know where was I. Only darkness found. "Um. Where should I be?" I asked.

"Here"

"I can't go back to Crocus yet."

"You called me and that's all you're going to say?"

"I think I still need some distance."

"Aren't we distant enough already?" her question is like a bullet shot through my head.

"What do you want? You want me to go back right now?" I asked.

"You. I want you. What do you want?" she asked back.

"You."

"Then why this isn't working?"

I sighed. "Because sometimes just wanting each other isn't enough."

"How long must one wait for it to be considered 'waiting'?" she asked.

"Maybe in a couple of weeks…" But Lucy hung up without a word or a warning.

Despite Lucy, I still went on with my travels. Sometimes when I feel like it I decided to sleep at some cheap hotel I could find, and take a bath and shave. Because what I saw in the mirror was only a terrible man. I looked like as if I just crawled out from a cave.

There was one night where it's impossible for me to go to sleep. That night I realized that I've been drawing some invisible line between myself and other people. I was so focused at finding the blurry image of Igneel that I forgot about the reality bitter truth and the living being that is my friend, especially Lucy who is pretty much alive and waiting for me. But, I don't want to connect myself with reality yet, I still want to get lost. Disconnected myself from reality was pretty much a bad thing, because then I can be lost for forever, but why is it such a bad thing to lose contact with reality? Have you seen reality recently? Have you seen my life recently? It's terrible!

Sometimes I find myself sitting in one spot for hours, staring at nothing thinking of nothing, feeling nothing, and, sadly, caring about nothing.

When I'm in bed, I will held my pillow at 4AM and thought about what Igneel once told me: An entire sea of water can't sink a ship unless it gets inside the ship. The same with negative thoughts. The negativity of the world can't put you down unless you allow it go get inside you.

Like the negativity gotten the best of me, I murmured: Holy shit I've destroyed my life.

All I've been doing was waiting to finally find Igneel, and waiting for it to happen, and waiting for it to happen, and… sometimes I guess I'm just tired of waiting. Like, I want to find Igneel, right now, right this moment, so that I can go back to my usual self in my usual place.

I know, I'm not the same anymore. I admit it, a lot of shit got to me. But when you're around someone so much for so long, they become a part of you, and when you're away from them, you just feel lost. And I'm lost now without them. It's like they are the only people who can keep me _being_ me.

There is something wrong with me.

Everything happens and it's too much.

I am thoroughly depressed right now.

I need a donor heart beating in a mechanical system, which keeps me warm, oxygenated, with nutrient enriched blood pumping through. I need Lucy.

My journey turns from bad to worse. It's been raining for the last couple of days, and no matter what mood I am in, the rain tends to intensify my emotions. Whether I'm lonely or sad. I don't think it's rainy season already, but it doesn't matter though, raindrops seem to fall from the sky just to ruin the atmosphere. Just like loneliness, regardless of people, places and time, it will break your heart into pieces. Maybe each and every one of us has one's own experience, and rains fall regardless of season and without reason, just like the lonely feelings. It came to crush you. It came all so suddenly without a warning, so you can't prepare a barrier.

Sometimes I think I need a therapy for myself, but then maybe I just need to go home and see everyone.

I decided before I go home, I set out for another journey to visit my mother's grave at the far side of Fiore. I had a weird feeling since the morning I woke up and it makes me just wanna go home sooner, but it's been a long time since the last time I visited my mother's grave, and then I remember what I always learn from movies. Every time the main character is about to give up, something surprising happens, which leads to happy endings. And I'm pretty sure, something surprising will happen.

After I bought flowers, I found Igneel bending down in front of my mother's grave.

This is definitely not what I expected. It's surprising and not surprising at the same time.

"What the hell are you doing here?" My voice come out harsh but I don't care as I stand behind him. He ignores me. "Where have you been? We were worried about you." I tried to keep my emotions steady.

"We?" he asked without turning back to even glanced at me.

"Yeah, we." I pressed. "Wendy, Anastasia, Makarov, Laxus?" I elaborated.

"Sorry." He murmured.

"Is that all you got to say?" I murmured back. I took a brave step forward and put my right hand on his shoulder. "Tell me! What the hell are you doing here? I've been looking for you, for weeks, and you ended up here?" suddenly I'm yelling at him. "You told me you never want to get even near this grave. You told me that this place only brings back bad memories, what the hell is wrong with you?" I keep yelling at him.

"Natsu, calm down." He said but I keep yelling at him, but he only look at me with blank expression. When I was too tired to yell, he started to speak, "You know what people say, you don't get over someone until you find someone or something better. As humans, we don't deal well with emptiness. Any empty space must be filled. Immediately. The pain of emptiness is too strong. An empty spot in heart causes excruciating pain. That's why I run from attachment to attachment. But in the end I can only go back to your mom."

I know – better than anyone – that humans are obsessed with love. They say it makes them whole, and they say that the main purpose in our life is to obtained our other half. It's called soulmates. But what if your soulmate died? Seeing Igneel, somehow doesn't make me believed in the idea of soulmates anymore. But I start to believe that a very few times in your life, you might meet someone who was exactly right for you. Not because she was perfect, or because you are, but because when you combined all of your imperfectness, you both become perfect in a way that allowed two separated beings to unite.

But mom is not exist in this world anymore, Dad. Visiting her grave everyday will not make her come back to life. You can't make people – I don't know – undead or something. You just have to endure it.

"You disappeared from us. Just in an instant, without a word, how am I supposed to cooperate with that? I already got dead weights on my shoulder, and now you're one of them too. You never been there for me, and I accept that, I'm a grown man now, I can looked past that, but at least, the least thing you could do as a dad is be there for Wendy, can't you at least do that? You always told me, that I was born first because I have to protect what comes after me, and I did what you told me, I protect Wendy, but I got a lot things that I should give a fuck about, dad. I can't do all this shits alone, tell you though, doing exactly eight things at the same time is not easy. Do you want your son to be miserable for the rest of his life? Are you really that busy to even care about your own kids? Are you isolated yourself from the world? Why are you doing this so easily? Are you high?"

"I'm not on drugs, Natsu," he chuckled probably trying to lighten up this situations. He always do that. Getting his own way through everything.

"If you weren't on drugs, then, how come you disappeared from us so easily? Don't you care about me? About Wendy? Or Anastasia?" My voice suddenly get hoarse and I stop talking because no more words will come out. It's as if my tongue has been frozen. I begin to feel a warmth sensation on my eyes, it stings but warm, and then I realize, I think I'm sort of crying right now. After – for like 10 years – I'm crying again in front of a man, because I feel sorry for myself, and I cry for myself. I shouldn't be crying, Laxus said that men only cry for their comrades, but right now I can't take control of myself. I wipe my eyes and nose with the sleeve of my plaid shirt quickly, and then I sniffed.

I looked down, but I can see Igneel's feet are moving closer towards me, and suddenly I can feel his big warm arms wrapped around me. My arms end up returning the hug and I cried. It wasn't a girly cried, but I sobbed and make the shirt that Igneel is wearing soaking wet.

I hope that, for all the lonely individuals in this world, someday, someone wants to hold you for five minutes straight, and that's all they do. They don't pull away, they don't look at your face, they don't try to talk to you. All they do is wrap you in their arms, without any intensions in it.

Suddenly, Igneel whisper something strange, something he never said to me for – at least the last five years – "I'm sorry." And then Igneel repeated the same sentences over and over until I'm sick of it.


End file.
